Its 9 p. m. as you walk up to Sexual Bicycle, the hottest bar in the city. It is a place to consider and be seen.
You saunter up to the front of the long line to get in, but youre not here for some consensual grind. No, you are here to work.
You are the bouncer, and it is your job to keep the people inside the bar safe and the people outside the bar orderly. You are the gatekeeper of a night of untold fun, and also the executioner of dreams.
You step up to the front door and cross your limbs so that the people dying to get drunk indoors know you mean business.
As bouncer, you are all-powerful. You can let in whomever you please. You can even try to bounce the perfect night, although legend has it that no one who has attempted to do so has survived.
You reach into your pocket to grab some sunglasses. What kind are they?
With your sunglasses on, you are in bouncer uniform and ready to go. Suddenly, the door to the club opens, and your sexually active older boss, Mr. Minchley, comes out.
All right, seem, lets make this a good night, okay? he says to you. No riffraff , no toughguys , no hardboys , no screwysams , no lurfdurns , no jammanyrits , no arvilnickannies , no parakeets , no trashmunchers , no gimblebranders , no messmakers , no Kevins, and good God , no shnoostlederulians. Capiche?
All right, Mr. Minchley tells. Now, Im trying to rebrand this club as Not The Place Where Three Preteens Died Last Week, and I need your help.
Its up to you to make sure that we have the perfect ratio of men to women in this bar. As everyone knows, bars that can pack 80 percentage humen, 12 percentage women, and 8 percent cautious dogs are the most successful. Capiche?
Oh, and never, under any circumstances, come into the bar, Mr. Minchley adds as he turns to head back inside. I am definitely not working on cloning myself so I can increase my already substantial sexual output.
Mr. Minchley begins to walk back into the bar.
The three women walk in, and a man steps up next.
Hello, the man tells. Im just looking for a nice place to feed this croissant. Can I come into your bar?
No, the man says.
The preteens walk away, alive and in a huff.
The next two people approach.
Hello, we are hiking the Appalachian Trail, and it passes right through your bar. Well simply be hiking through.
The man floats ghoulishly into the bar.
Next! you say. A man steps in front of you.
Hey, Im Jesse, the man tells. You probably acknowledge me. Im kind of a local celebrity around these parts.
Really? Jesse asks. I have an up-and-coming YouTube channel, Im known for freestyle rapping in various venues around town, and sometimes I go on the local news to review movies in a segment called Jesses Picks.
Ah, damn, Jesse tells with a great world-weariness. I guess Im not the local celebrity I thought I was.
Yeah? Thanks. Thats really nice to hear. Do you want to come hang out at my house?
Cool! Jesse tells. Lets get in my vehicle!
You get in Jesses car, and he begins driving really fast.
Check out how fast I can drive! Well is currently under my house in no time! Jesse yells.
Welcome to my house, or as I call it, the Local Celebrity Hangout! tells Jesse. It took us all night of driving promptly, but we induced it. Im so excited for you to see all its cool parts.
This is my fish tank, Jesse explains. It was given to me by a local restaurateur when I feed at his eatery and virtually choked on a fish skeleton. My fish are both named Jesse, but not after me. Now, arrive check out my bedroom!
This is a poster from Along Came Polly . They shot a few scenes here in town, and I got to be a featured extra. They gave me this poster after I choked on a fish skeleton at the craft services table. Im kind of known for that around these components. I reviewed the movie on my weekly movie review demonstrate called Jesses Picks and dedicated it zero stars.
This is my sink. It was given to me by a local barber after I choked on a fish skeleton at his shop. Im so happy that you are in my home. Having a friend is so cool!
The preteens walk away, sadly and alive.
Mr. Minchley tears out of the bar.
Hey, you big complete idiot, what are you trying to do? Mr. Minchley screams at you. I can scarcely scratch two asses together in there. You start letting people in the bar or I will fire you. You better not be trying to bounce the perfect night!
I like those ricochet instincts, Mr. Minchley tells. Now let me in so I can impress women with my tight pants and blindingly white hair.
This is outrageous! Mr. Minchley roars. This bar has been in the Minchley family ever since we stole this real estate from Native Americans in late 2004. Let me in at once or youre fired.
Youre fired! Mr. Minchley screams at you. Ill simply “re going to have to” bounce instead. Now you cant come in!
Yes, you preserved your Bouncers Purity by not letting anyone in, but at what expense? Now you have no undertaking and cant get into Sexual Bicycle. What is the point of living?
You take a deep breath and unhook the velvet rope to begin letting people into Sexual Bicycle. Youve been kind of blowing it as of late, so its time to have a good ricochet shift.
Hi, Im Lieutenant Fist-Corn, and I have a warrant for the arrest of Demi Moore Minchley, proprietor of this here bar.
But we promised Michael that we would do the entire road, the man tells. All of it. We have to keep that promise.
We do not want to upset Michael. He is more powerful than all of us combined. Even you are not safe from Michael, explains the woman.
Shoulders slumped, Jesse skulks away into the night, totally alone.
Mr. Minchley bursts out of the bar, fuming.
You insane idiot! Mr. Minchley screams at you. That was Jesse, a local celebrity round these components! He may have mentioned Sexual Bicycle on his up-and-coming YouTube channel had you let him in!
You are on thin ice, Mr. Minchley tells. You so much as inhale the wrong way and Ill have your sunglasses.
Then he turns and walks inside.
The next guy steps up.
Hey, I gotta get into because my friend Brian is already in there, he says.
Im not lying, the man tells. I have Brians diabetes drug. If he doesnt get onto, hell succumb. Look.
He shows you some insulin.