Hough aged about five, in Chile. Photograph: Courtesy of the author
Since it was my radio, I got to choose between our only two English music stations. And for a few hours each night, we experienced a whole new world.
The Family produced their own music but their songs werent about love or loss or pain. Family songs praised Jesus, or our prophet, or the Family itself. The radio brought music and words that made us feel hope and loss. I could live another life in the radios music, another life where I wasnt so afraid of everyone. Sometimes wed hear the Cure or the Smiths. I loved the angst-ridden, painful voices I didnt understand but felt pouring into me. Faithy wasnt as enthralled. She liked Cyndi Lauper and Michael Jackson. Wed tap our toes against the footboard until we remembered that we werent alone, and stopped for fear of waking up the kid in the bottom bunk.
Our secret created a bond and we started talking during the day.
We talked about places wed been and told stories from before, when the cult had been just hippies, travelling in caravans and living in camp grounds, and we remembered being happy. There wasnt much else to talk about. She saw and did everything I saw and did. She was good at remembering movies and as shed lived in some of the more liberal homes, shed seen more than I had. Shed tell me the movies, scene by scene and sometimes line by line, like they were stories.
I hadnt made many friends, or at least didnt keep them. I was in trouble a lot and few of the children around me were stupid or brave enough to be friends with someone on the shepherds radar. Friends in the Family were a liability, but now I had a friend, or something close to it, and I liked having someone to talk to.
Then a few weeks into our nightly listening party, Auntie Mercy caught Faithy in my bed. Wed accidentally fallen asleep. Auntie Mercy didnt see the radio, but she told us shed better not catch us again. When she didnt say anything to us the next day, we thought shed let the infraction slide. If she had, it would have been the first and last time shed shown anyone mercy. I didnt know her well enough yet to fear her as I should have.
What else? asked Uncle Stephan. His eyes were cold and blue and he had this German accent, which was perfect, really.
I had tried to avoid him, but avoiding him was impossible. I hadnt seen any Nazi movies or I might have known that he fitted the mould, like a caricature. His eyes terrified me.
Despite only wearing a thin undershirt, I wasnt cold. Still, I folded my arms over my chest and shivered.
I was foolish. I told some jokes I know, I said.
After the first hour, I ran out of things to confess. I was tired and confused. I stopped talking. I didnt know what they wanted. I closed my eyes and I was quiet when I heard his boots on the tiled floor.
Uncle Stephan always wore boots in the house. No one else ever did.
Grandpa didnt like wearing shoes indoors because shoes dragged filth inside and evil spirits could hitchhike on shoes and clothing.
Grandpa was David Berg, the founder of the Family. The adults called him Dad, which was as confusing as it sounds. In another reality, another time, hed have been locked up in an institution. In my reality and time, he founded a cult.
I felt Uncle Stephans breath on my face for a moment. Then he slapped me hard across the face. I heard the shepherds praying for me again, or maybe they were praying against me. I felt my lip with my tongue and tasted blood. I didnt know where my parents were or if they knew what was happening. I didnt dare ask.
I opened my eyes and met his across from me. I hated him.
Uncle Stephan had already put me on silence restriction for a month. Id only recently been allowed to talk again. We hadnt seen a movie all year because we werent following the spirit. Its not like we ever watched anything but musicals anyway, but those were better than the nothing we had now. He liked public punishments. And he used a bamboo cane he carried around with him. Spanking wasnt anything unusual, but his cane, which broke skin, only happened behind closed doors. Most of the time they just used a belt or a paddle.
So I stared at his eyes and I didnt blink and I wanted him to see I wasnt crying. I knew hed break me. They hadnt broken me yet but it was inevitable. All I wanted in that moment was for Uncle Stephan to know that breaking me wouldnt be easy. I looked above Uncle Stephans head and saw a poster of Jesus. This wasnt the blond, friendly Jesus.
This Jesus was coming down from heaven on a horse, surrounded by the flames of a burning Earth.
If the shepherds had watched any cop shows before they dropped out to follow Jesus, they would have known the proper way to do an interrogation. While I sat in the dining room and tried to figure out what the shepherds wanted from me, Faithy was in the shepherds office upstairs and probably wondering the same thing. They didnt know they were supposed to tell me Faithy was upstairs and I should tell them everything before she cut a deal. But then again, there were no deals in the Family. Confession, while possibly good for the soul, was not good for my immediate future.
I couldnt think of any more small crimes. So I just started making shit up.
I took some apricots from the pantry.
I was hungry and there were lots so I thought it was OK.
I murmured about having to watch the kids instead of going postering last Saturday. That was a lie, but a lie that might work in my favour. I liked taking care of the little kids. Plus, my mom was in charge of them so being assigned to help with the little kids meant spending the day with her while most of the home was out raising money by selling posters or knocking on doors and asking for donations.
Six hours later, the sun was up and I could hear the home stirring upstairs. The kids assigned to make breakfast walked around the circle of shepherds and me. The kids looked straight ahead as they passed. There was a time when I might have felt humiliated. But we were used to public punishments now so I didnt mind them seeing me. Wed all been in this chair at some point. Those who hadnt knew it was only a matter of time.
The shepherds either had what they wanted from me or gave up trying. Auntie Mercy wanted to pray again. This time I had to hold their hands and the words she prayed told me this was just the beginning of my ordeal.
A few weeks later, still in the attic where theyd decided to store problem kids like me, where wed read the insane ramblings of our drunken prophet, where they expected us to report every thought that passed through our heads, where the beatings happened daily, I broke. It sounds more like a sigh than the shattering you feel in your soul. I remembered how it didnt hurt when I broke, how it was easier after.
The Romans came that night. But they were too late. Someone tipped off a reporter at the local newspaper, who tipped off the home shepherds. Before the sun rose, we quietly crammed ourselves into vans, kept our heads below the windows, and our shepherds drove us to the next home.
Faithy didnt come to the new home and I knew better than to ask where shed gone. And now, this woman named Ruthie, with Faithys face and voice, was asking me about the radio. Did they ever find it?
You didnt rat me out, I say. No, they never found the radio.
But then why did you get in so much more trouble than I did? she asks.
I wondered about that for years. But you know how it goes, you just stop thinking about it. Then one day, I was telling my girlfriend about the radio and I finally figured it out. They thought I was gay.
Goddammit, she says, smacking the table. The pearl snap-shirted Austinites stop to stare at the interruption of their peace. We both smile at the three Family sins shes just committed drawing attention, unwomanly loudness, and the greatest and least forgivable, taking the Lords name in vain. How much did that suck?
I laugh and shake my head and say: Fuckers.
This is the shorthand we speak because she knows, without me having to tell her, how hard it was to give them that one thing. To know they were right, even if only once. But at 13, I wasnt yet a lesbian, or anyway I didnt know it. Back then I was just an awkward tomboy.
She shows me pictures of her husband, her kids. I show her pictures of my dog. We talk all afternoon. She says shes doing all right. Maybe were both grading on a curve, but I tell her I am too.
And we dont have to explain. We remember.
The Shepherds by Lauren Hough first appeared in Granta 137 (12.99). To order a copy for 10.65 go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Subscribe to Granta here: granta.com/137free
Q&A with Lauren Hough
Hough, 39, was born in West Berlin and brought up in the Family, founded by David Berg in 1968 in California and originally known as the Children of God.
Where do you live now?
In Austin, Texas. Ive only been here a couple of months. I sold my house in Washington DC last year and Ive been travelling in my camper. A couple of months in Portland, Oregon and Berlin and now Im here. Ive enjoyed it tremendously, but Ive rented a house in Santa Fe and Im moving there in a couple of weeks.
You moved around a lot with the Family?
We travelled around in campers, caravans, lived in tents. We moved to Chile for a couple of years when I was four. Japan for a few years too, then Switzerland and then Germany.
It must have been quite something when you left.
Oh God, yes. I was done. I just couldnt figure out how to leave on my own. I would think about it do I run to the embassy? How can I get my passport? Then one day Mom just told us to pack. There was absolute relief and absolute terror we stayed in Munich for a couple of weeks and my brother and I were convinced we were going back in. But we didnt. My grandmother took us into her little house in west Texas.
What made your mother decide to leave?
Mom was worried that wed had absolutely no education and that she couldnt protect me. My stepdad was just frustrated that they were never going to make him a leader.
Why did your parents join the Family?
My mom was upset about the Vietnam war. She was a hippy, protesting and everything else, and here were people who were actually doing something dropping out, leaving society, following Jesus. The way she saw it was, yeah, a great, utopian thing. She met my father and he was there for much the same reason. He was travelling around so he wouldnt get a draft card. My mom doesnt talk about the Family and I dont ask her about it. Were close, but only so much. I only recently talked to my dad about it [Houghs parents split up when she was 7]. Were close now. We werent always.
You dont blame them for what happened?
Well, I know what an idiot I was when I was 19, the age they were when they joined. Its kinda hard to hold it against someone.
How have you felt since coming out? Have you had a lot of therapy?
Not so much and most of it wasnt so helpful. Ive had therapists cry and hug me and it was really strange. They just dont really know what to do with it. I mean, I still hide things. I still have nightmares, I cant deal with crowds. I will always feel kind of separate. For a long time, I just didnt really have friends. In high school, I had no idea how to talk to people. I didnt understand cultural references. Ninety per cent of conversations are: Hey, do you remember that episode of Seinfeld? and shit. And I was weird, I was just awkward. I read everything I could get my hands on. Its just what I did, I hid in books.
Which books particularly?
On the Road: the book that made me want to write. The Liars Club by Mary Karr. The Glass Castle [by Jeannette Walls] reading this, I realised you could take a terrible thing, that bad thing in every memoir, and make it worth reading. Theres no self-pity in it.
Do you know what has become of the so-called Shepherds?
Oh, God thank God, no. Uncle Stephan the last anyone saw he was holding a cardboard The End Is Near sign in Amsterdam. I mean, some of these people are my friends parents. Weve all reconnected through Facebook. But I stay away from the subject of whose parents did what to whom and I will meet them but not their parents. Theres a very clear line drawn between who we associate with. Second-generation people versus the people who joined. We have our secret Facebook groups where we can talk. We kind of provide our own free therapy.
Id like to write more. I dont know if I can support myself doing this but Im working on a book a memoir trying to put it all together.
Interview by Ursula Kenny