While You Were Offline: Haters to the Left and the Right and OK Yeah Everywhere

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The complicated morality of the times we live in has never been more apparent than it was this past Friday, when Gwendoline Christie opened up a Star Wars Celebration appearance with a moment of silence for the Nice terrorist attack. In that moment, people managed to simultaneously express sympathy with the real world attack and condemn violence while excitedly demanding more scenes of fictional terrorists fighting back against oppressive regimes with violence. It’s been that kind of a week online, too. But just because the world continues to trend towards disaster, that doesn’t mean that the trivial has ceased to be celebrated. As proof, here are the highlights of the last seven days’ worth of Internet activity that might have passed you by.

The Taylor Swift/Calvin Harris Breakup, Revisited

What Happened: Calvin Harris, former beau of Taylor Swift, got salty about his ex on Twitter. He didn’t know just what that would unleash.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: Weeks after the romance between Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris came to an end, the fallout continued in the form of a storyapparently placed by the Swift campthat the beloved songstress had actually co-written one of Harris’ biggest hits:

Harris’ response to this story was initially unexpectedly gracious, on its face:

“https://twitter.com/CalvinHarris/status/753257779775668224

And then, slightly less gracious:

What’s that? Invoking Katy Perry and seemingly confirming fan speculation that Swift is the kind of person to “bury” rivals on social media? Perry couldn’t resist a subtweet or two:

She also retweeted this, from May 2015:

This was enough for anti-fans of Swift to celebrate on Twitter, apparently; the hashtag #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty was trending with impressive speed after Harris and Perry had their say, with all kinds of folks showing up to the shindig:

Not everyone was convinced, of course:

Nonetheless, the seeming excitement surrounding the very idea that Taylor’s public image had been undermined ended up making its way to the mainstream via multiple reports.

Rumors of Taylor’s direct involvement in… well, any of the above remain just rumors. For now.
The Takeaway: What all those celebrating Taylor’s proclaimed demise had forgotten, however, was the powers of the Pop Jedi. Strike her down, and she will become more powerful than you could even imagine!

What Say You to All This, Hiddleston?

What Happened: Speaking of Taylor Swift, it turns out lots of people are very, very suspicious about the gentleman who replaced Calvin Harris in her heart.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: So what has Taylor been up to while Calvin Harris and Twitter have been spinning out about her? Continuing her very public romance with Tom Hiddleston, that’s what. But the longer said romance goes on, the more people become convinced that it’s not real and then start to try and convince everyone else it’s all fake, too.

It says something about the Internet that Hiddleswift Trutherism has crossed over from social media to mainstream media, but we’re not sure what, exactly, the message might be. Is it that people are getting savvy enough to recognize the manipulation of celebrity, or that people are getting cynical enough to suspect that everything could be a hoax for publicity? We’re just weeks away from true love can’t melt steel beams, aren’t we?

Things reached such heights that The Hollywood Reporter actually asked Hiddleston about how real his relationship with Swift was. His response? “How best to put this? The truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and we’re very happy. Thanks for asking. That’s the truth. It’s not a publicity stunt.” Of course, that’s what someone in the middle of a publicity stunt would say.
The Takeaway: Wait, what if we’re focusing on the wrong faked Taylor Swift relationship?

Wheels within wheels! Taylor Swift is people!

Once More, with Feeling: Chewbacca Mom, Revisited

What Happened: As Chewbacca Mom tried to make the world a better place, the world decided, en masse, that it was OK, thanks, everything was fine as it was.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: The name Candace Payne might not be familiar to you, but you’ve almost certainly heard of the Texas native under her Internet name, Chewbacca Mom. Yeah, Chewbacca Mom! The lady who was so thrilled by her Star Wars mask that she went viral and got on TV and became famous! Everyone loves Chewbacca Mom and wants more of her, right? Well, perhaps not, if this is what her future as an Internet celebrity holds:

On the one hand, that was certainly a heartfelt response to a tragic situation. On the other hand, singing a song that was trite when it first appeared feels, at best, like an ill-considered response to the tragedies of last week, both the Dallas shootings and everything that led up to that moment. It was likely that latter response that prompted tweets like these:

The second wave of Chewbacca Mom mania provoked more restrained media coverage, with some talk of backlash mixed in this time around. Who could’ve guessed that there are some subjects that viral celebrities don’t need to weigh in on?
The Takeaway: Admit it, Internet: You probably never should’ve made Chewbacca Mom a thing in the first place.

Wait, the New Prime Minister Is Who?

What Happened: As if Brexit wasn’t enough, this week British politics decided to give the international community another special gift that it never knew it wanted. (It probably didn’t want it.)
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: The formation of the new British government has been a strange and surreal experience to watch unfoldnot least of all because the new Prime Minister shares a name with a 1990s nude model, leading to tweets like this:

But when (the actual Prime Minister) Theresa May named Boris Johnson—leading voice in the campaign to convince Britain to leave the European Union—as the country’s new Foreign Secretary, the Internet just outright lost its mind:

The Takeaway: Sure, Boris has led a terrible, xenophobic campaign that has ostracized the United Kingdom from the rest of Europe, but surely things are going to get better from here, right?

OK, maybe not.

Classic Literature, I Choose You

What Happened: As if Pokmon Go wasn’t already everywhere this week, now it’s invading our literature, as well.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: In a strange moment of nostalgia, Pokmon Go has managed to reignite the craze for catching ’em all after two decades, so much so that people have actually died playing it. And been robbed. And found their house invaded as a result.

While Pokmon Go is clearly a public menace, its success did prompt this on Twitter earlier this week:

Yes, #PokemonABooksomething that combines one current craze with the never-out-of-style craze of terrible, terrible puns. Let’s take a break from planning to go to demilitarized zones to get more Pokmon and just enjoy this for a second, shall we?

The Takeaway: And the winner is…

Whoever controls the publishing rights to Pokmon, you’ve just been given an incredible gift if you can get this into stores by the holidays.

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