The complicated morality of the times we live in has never been more apparent than it was this past Friday, when Gwendoline Christie opened up a Star Wars Celebration appearance with a moment of silence for the Nice terrorist attack. In that moment, people managed to simultaneously express sympathy with the real world attack and condemn violence while excitedly demanding more scenes of fictional terrorists fighting back against oppressive regimes with violence. It’s been that kind of a week online, too. But just because the world continues to trend towards disaster, that doesn’t mean that the trivial has ceased to be celebrated. As proof, here are the highlights of the last seven days’ worth of Internet activity that might have passed you by.
The Taylor Swift/Calvin Harris Breakup, Revisited
What Happened: Calvin Harris, former beau of Taylor Swift, got salty about his ex on Twitter. He didn’t know just what that would unleash.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: Weeks after the romance between Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris came to an end, the fallout continued in the form of a storyapparently placed by the Swift campthat the beloved songstress had actually co-written one of Harris’ biggest hits:
Taylor Swift wrote Calvin Harris and Rihanna's hit 'This Is What You Came For, rep confirms https://t.co/FfYluJDG2E pic.twitter.com/S1oiGxIkfq
— People Magazine (@people) July 13, 2016
Harris’ response to this story was initially unexpectedly gracious, on its face:
And she sings on a little bit of it too
Amazing lyric writer and she smashed it as usual https://t.co/vW3yGOIJit— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) July 13, 2016
“https://twitter.com/CalvinHarris/status/753257779775668224
And then, slightly less gracious:
Hurtful to me at this point that her and her team would go so far out of their way to try and make ME look bad at this stage though
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) July 13, 2016
I figure if you're happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) July 13, 2016
I know you're off tour and you need someone new to try and bury like Katy ETC but I'm not that guy, sorry. I won't allow it
— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) July 13, 2016
What’s that? Invoking Katy Perry and seemingly confirming fan speculation that Swift is the kind of person to “bury” rivals on social media? Perry couldn’t resist a subtweet or two:
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 13, 2016
She also retweeted this, from May 2015:
Time, the ultimate truth teller.
— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 9, 2015
This was enough for anti-fans of Swift to celebrate on Twitter, apparently; the hashtag #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty was trending with impressive speed after Harris and Perry had their say, with all kinds of folks showing up to the shindig:
#TaylorSwiftIsOverParty pic.twitter.com/ezbP3MMPln
— Joseph (@joe815) July 13, 2016
A party this early? Welp, looks like I just arrived ladies! #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty pic.twitter.com/x29zv0MBko
— Erik (@erikm0nster) July 13, 2016
I've been waiting for this since 2012! I'm here ladies! #taylorswiftisoverparty pic.twitter.com/g32DJa0Y1x
— Carter (@carterstwltter) July 13, 2016
She FINALLY finished?#TaylorSwiftIsOverParty pic.twitter.com/QB75l5h56Z
— MOLA1 (@MOLA1) July 13, 2016
Not everyone was convinced, of course:
Taylor right now. #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty pic.twitter.com/ojwRQY1CJ2
— Ronny Erickson (@RonnyErickson) July 13, 2016
#TaylorSwiftIsOverParty I'll see yall when she releases her next smash hit single followed by a #1 platinum album
— safa (@revivalegends) July 13, 2016
Nonetheless, the seeming excitement surrounding the very idea that Taylor’s public image had been undermined ended up making its way to the mainstream via multiple reports.
Rumors of Taylor’s direct involvement in… well, any of the above remain just rumors. For now.
The Takeaway: What all those celebrating Taylor’s proclaimed demise had forgotten, however, was the powers of the Pop Jedi. Strike her down, and she will become more powerful than you could even imagine!
#TaylorSwiftIsOverParty Watch her make a new song about this… Just wait, you'll see.
— D o a (@DoraFenty) July 13, 2016
What Say You to All This, Hiddleston?
What Happened: Speaking of Taylor Swift, it turns out lots of people are very, very suspicious about the gentleman who replaced Calvin Harris in her heart.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: So what has Taylor been up to while Calvin Harris and Twitter have been spinning out about her? Continuing her very public romance with Tom Hiddleston, that’s what. But the longer said romance goes on, the more people become convinced that it’s not real and then start to try and convince everyone else it’s all fake, too.
It says something about the Internet that Hiddleswift Trutherism has crossed over from social media to mainstream media, but we’re not sure what, exactly, the message might be. Is it that people are getting savvy enough to recognize the manipulation of celebrity, or that people are getting cynical enough to suspect that everything could be a hoax for publicity? We’re just weeks away from true love can’t melt steel beams, aren’t we?
Things reached such heights that The Hollywood Reporter actually asked Hiddleston about how real his relationship with Swift was. His response? “How best to put this? The truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and we’re very happy. Thanks for asking. That’s the truth. It’s not a publicity stunt.” Of course, that’s what someone in the middle of a publicity stunt would say.
The Takeaway: Wait, what if we’re focusing on the wrong faked Taylor Swift relationship?
Was @taylorswift13 and @CalvinHarris's relationship orchestrated by a PR team? https://t.co/PRg5ps5q8c pic.twitter.com/uQhuQGTv7Z
— CELEBUZZ (@CELEBUZZ) July 13, 2016
Wheels within wheels! Taylor Swift is people!
Once More, with Feeling: Chewbacca Mom, Revisited
What Happened: As Chewbacca Mom tried to make the world a better place, the world decided, en masse, that it was OK, thanks, everything was fine as it was.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: The name Candace Payne might not be familiar to you, but you’ve almost certainly heard of the Texas native under her Internet name, Chewbacca Mom. Yeah, Chewbacca Mom! The lady who was so thrilled by her Star Wars mask that she went viral and got on TV and became famous! Everyone loves Chewbacca Mom and wants more of her, right? Well, perhaps not, if this is what her future as an Internet celebrity holds:
On the one hand, that was certainly a heartfelt response to a tragic situation. On the other hand, singing a song that was trite when it first appeared feels, at best, like an ill-considered response to the tragedies of last week, both the Dallas shootings and everything that led up to that moment. It was likely that latter response that prompted tweets like these:
Chewbacca mom is not the moral compass of this country. She's a woman who bought a mask and did stuff in it.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 11, 2016
Dear Chewbacca mom,
It was 15 minutes of fame, not 15 weeks. Please vacate premises.
Thank you,The Internet.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) July 11, 2016
I've never seen anyone as ready for fame as Chewbacca Mom.
— roxane gay (@rgay) July 11, 2016
The second wave of Chewbacca Mom mania provoked more restrained media coverage, with some talk of backlash mixed in this time around. Who could’ve guessed that there are some subjects that viral celebrities don’t need to weigh in on?
The Takeaway: Admit it, Internet: You probably never should’ve made Chewbacca Mom a thing in the first place.
Some generations have a Gandhi, we have a Chewbacca Mom. Frankly, it's what we deserve. We did this. Just accept it and move on.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) July 11, 2016
Wait, the New Prime Minister Is Who?
What Happened: As if Brexit wasn’t enough, this week British politics decided to give the international community another special gift that it never knew it wanted. (It probably didn’t want it.)
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: The formation of the new British government has been a strange and surreal experience to watch unfoldnot least of all because the new Prime Minister shares a name with a 1990s nude model, leading to tweets like this:
Officially now the best Twitter bio: "I am a UK Glamour model, not the Prime Minister". @RealTeresaMay pic.twitter.com/Sr6tUBy2Sp
— edgarwright (@edgarwright) July 14, 2016
But when (the actual Prime Minister) Theresa May named Boris Johnson—leading voice in the campaign to convince Britain to leave the European Union—as the country’s new Foreign Secretary, the Internet just outright lost its mind:
Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary. So this is, in fact, the year we all die.
— Warren Ellis (@warrenellis) July 13, 2016
Phew!
Just when Britain was starting to become a laughing stock around the world,
Boris Johnson is appointed foreign secretary.— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) July 13, 2016
Boris? Foreign secretary? Can somebody please, please reset the matrix. The joke's gone on long enough now.#BorisJohnson
— Gavin Newlands MP (@GavinNewlandsMP) July 13, 2016
#BorisJohnson is Foreign Secretary. pic.twitter.com/kf1WXxr5md
— Gandalf Starman (@thedim_gandalf) July 13, 2016
Appointing @BorisJohnson Foreign Secretary is like making Mick Jagger Minister for Chastity.#GetYourHairCutBorisYouAssClown
— Jason Isaacs (@jasonsfolly) July 13, 2016
The Takeaway: Sure, Boris has led a terrible, xenophobic campaign that has ostracized the United Kingdom from the rest of Europe, but surely things are going to get better from here, right?
Six times the new Foreign Secretary has insulted world leaders https://t.co/4v4bMSnXIQ
— The Independent (@Independent) July 15, 2016
OK, maybe not.
Classic Literature, I Choose You
What Happened: As if Pokmon Go wasn’t already everywhere this week, now it’s invading our literature, as well.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: In a strange moment of nostalgia, Pokmon Go has managed to reignite the craze for catching ’em all after two decades, so much so that people have actually died playing it. And been robbed. And found their house invaded as a result.
While Pokmon Go is clearly a public menace, its success did prompt this on Twitter earlier this week:
Hey, fellow obsessed: let's play #PokemonABook! We'll go first: Eleanor and Paras. (Thx @amysachs for the brill idea!)
— B&N Teen Blog (@BNTeens) July 14, 2016
Yes, #PokemonABooksomething that combines one current craze with the never-out-of-style craze of terrible, terrible puns. Let’s take a break from planning to go to demilitarized zones to get more Pokmon and just enjoy this for a second, shall we?
Mr. Pebumbra's 24-Hour Pokestop #PokemonABook
— Laura Cinnamon (@l_cinnamon) July 14, 2016
The Girl From Eeveewhere #PokemonABook
— Ava Jae (@Ava_Jae) July 14, 2016
The Catcher in the Raichu #PokemonABook
— Joel Cunningham (@joelevard) July 14, 2016
Northanger Krabby! #PokemonABook (by Jane Austentacool)
— Penguin Classics (@PenguinClassics) July 14, 2016
Midnight In The Garden Of Good & Eevee #pokemonabook pic.twitter.com/0OuBYR7gwh
— marah saria griff (@griffski) July 14, 2016
American Psyduck #PokemonABook pic.twitter.com/7McvFBHQ40
— Alexandra (@tamikoalexandra) July 14, 2016
#PokemonABook pic.twitter.com/0cCCkViGED
— darth (@darth) July 14, 2016
The Takeaway: And the winner is…
Go The Muk to Sleep. #pokemonabook
— Colin Bloodworth (@ccbloodworth) July 14, 2016
Whoever controls the publishing rights to Pokmon, you’ve just been given an incredible gift if you can get this into stores by the holidays.