Last week, we ended the Vanderpump Rules season 7 reunion with Jax yelling at James about how his life is better than James’s, and Sandoval yelling to defend James, and Andy yelling at all of them to shut the f*ck up.
This week, we pick right back up with Brittany yelling at James for pretending like he cared about Jax and James admitting he doesn’t give a f*ck about Jax. Sandoval butts in to point out that Jax talks sh*t about Raquel, so obviously James is going to talk sh*t about Brittany.
After the infamous “guys, shut the f*ck up,” Lisa says “yay” (same, girl) and Jax walks off stage muttering that Tom isn’t in his wedding party anymore and Beau is taking his spot. I take that about as seriously as I take anything Jax has ever said, which is to say, not with a single degree of gravity. Lisa calls James over to tell him to chill out. James immediately starts crying. (Same, girl.) I get where James is coming from; I don’t think any of us would remain totally calm and collected with seven people yelling in our face for the past hour. James’ problem, though, is that he thinks saying sorry is a catch-all that undoes all the damage of saying something bad. That’s not how this works!
We come back with Andy asking Jax how he says he’s changed.
Jax: You know I’m not just attacking everybody.
Did any of us watch Jax like, ten minutes ago? If that’s not considered attacking everybody, then what is? No, that’s not a rhetorical question: I would seriously like to know.
Andy brings up how Sandoval called Jax a recovering sociopath. Jax tries to pull his, “well why can’t you just be happy for me at all times and baby me and treat me with kid gloves every time I refrain from doing something deplorable?” act, and Sandoval argues that calling Jax on his sh*t IS being a good friend. Yes, thank you. That IS how this works.
Lisa: I think Jax is fundamentally a good person
I find it funny how far people will go in their own cognitive dissonance/mental gymnastics to distance themselves from their sh*tty friends, because they know that you generally are the company you keep, and they don’t see themselves as sh*tty. *Gets up from armchair, where I have earned an honorary psychology degree* Jax, a fundamentally good person? Ok. I am sure OJ Simpson’s friends probably thought he was a pretty cool guy to have a beer with also. Where do we draw the line??
Speaking of things that have not changed, Jax still doesn’t want to talk about how he cheated with Faith! Sure, brush that under the rug. That will bode well for your marriage. Lisa calls him a victim (because he didn’t consent to have Faith recording him) and James mutters under his breath that Jax was a victim of sex. James may be horrible, but at least he has funny one-liners. I feel like Jax was chiefly a victim of his own poor decision-making, although California is a two-party consent state with regards to digital recordings, so fine, I’ll give him this.
We bring up Ariana and Lala’s hookup, which I forgot about until right this moment. The funny thing is that happened a year ago and it just got brought up on camera. Sandoval is a messy bitch. Schwartz is getting visibly turned on as they recount this. I need a shower.
Andy is like, “Brittany, this is a good time to admit you hooked up with Kristin.” Brittany is now going from “it didn’t happen” to “I don’t remember.” So we can close the book that this definitely happened. Kristen ate the Kentucky muffin. Case closed.
We revisit the history of Stassi and Ariana’s friendship. Truly I don’t care about this,even though it’s a feel-good moment. But that’s not why we are here, even if I do like this friendship!
Lol Andy asks Lisa why Kristen wasn’t invited to the Tom Tom party. Kristen is literally on the verge of tears as this happens. I guess she’s over it, huh?
Lisa: I’m not that close to Kristen.
Andy: You don’t say?
Lmfao I laughed out loud and, especially when Lisa said, “I do say.” Lisa, that is a common expression.
We interrupt the reunion for Sandoval to take Andy on a spin on the motorcycle. Cool, this could have easily been cut. But sure, I have nowhere else to be.
Andy, in his best Schwartz impression: I love gloves!
Hahah. Do you think they planned for the motorcycle to break down two feet out of the parking lot? Or did it actually break? This was a great use of $15,000.
We come back to this reunion to talk about Stassi’s #OOTD Day. Does anyone care? No. Moving on; I won’t bother recapping this.
Okay so now we are talking about Katie giving Lisa an ultimatum. We all remember when this happened; I’m not recounting it. Andy is basically like, “how come you demanded James be fired when you yelled at Lala at SUR?” Katie’s award-winning excuse? “That was two years ago.” Oh okay, good to know the statute of limitations on bad behavior is two years. Katie also says “that’s not who I am. I have a mean streak, I have a sharp tongue, but anyone who knows me knows that’s not me.” Ummm, yeah, idk, I think that very obviously is you, by your own admission.
Also Katie: I’m mean, I say terrible things, I make everything about me, I lob low blows at my loved ones every time someone calls me out on my sh*t, but everybody who knows me knows I’m not like that at all.
Next, we all jump on the “pile on James” bandwagon. Sandoval says James is too quick to apologize, and everybody starts sharpening their pitchforks because Sandoval dared to seemingly defend James. Ariana, visibly pissed, translates: Sandoval is saying that James should not apologize if he doesn’t mean it, because then his apologies don’t mean anything and nobody gets anywhere. That, truly, is the heart of why nobody is willing to forgive him this time around: because James always says sorry, he never means it, and he never rectifies his behavior. He’s the boy who cried apology, so now he has zero credibility. If he wants to get back in with this group, he’s going to have to (gasp) actually change.
Damn, Katie segues this into a larger conversation about how everyone is always sh*tting on her body, from James to people on social media. Ok sis, go off. James claims Katie called him anorexic and skinny, though. This group? Hypocritically body-shaming each other, and then using that body-shaming to conveniently attract sympathy? Never! Sandoval yells that Katie called Lala a whore and waited two years (and until a private jet was on the table—my addition, not his) to apologize. THEN we get another dogpile on Sandoval for “sticking up for James,” when really, as Sandoval yells, the problem is not that James is worth defending, but that they are all f*cking hypocrites. Claps for Sandoval. Sandoval wins the reunion.
After the break, Billie Lee comes to the stage. This is uncomfortable because nobody wants her there. Apparently Billie had a thing with Max. Max claimed they made out but Billie told Lisa they were having sex. YIKES. Why would you tell THE GUY’S MOM THAT YOU BANGED? I’m cringing into myself like that episode of Ren & Stimpy where Stimpy goes inside his own belly button. Get Billie off the stage; this is only the beginning and I can’t take it anymore.
Oh jesus f*cking Christ, we are revisiting the Girls Night saga again. I’m not mentally prepared to go through this a millionth time. (But like, of course I knew we would do this.) Katie claims not inviting Billie was an oversight. Billie is still on the “I never said transphobic” train. Girl, that is splitting hairs if I’ve ever seen it.
Ummm Lisa claims it’s “devastating” for Billie to insinuate that they’re not all 100% supportive of the LGBTQ community. She SPECIFICALLY calls out all the girls for being supportive. Lisa, are you on drugs? Or did you not witness when Billie tried to explain her perspective, AS A TRANS WOMAN, to Lala, and Lala told her to sit down because she’s dismissed? Did you also miss when none of them acknowledged they have cis privilege, because they refused to believe that is even a real concept? Lisa is just upset that Billie is daring to say something publicly that could impact her business. This is seriously f*cking gross.
Stassi now is talking about how being called transphobic is “damning”, especially when this group “has been so supportive”. What kind of Lena Dunham-ass white woman sh*t is this? Oh ya, being called transphobic is totally the worst thing that can happen to you, except for, ya know, the disproportionate rates of violence trans people actually experience.
Katie is like, “I have a husband, I have sh*t going on, I can’t just take the time to be like, ‘is Billie going to be offended by this?’” So you admit it then: you’re not a real ally! You can’t have it both ways. If you’re not going to take the time to consider how your public actions may affect marginalized people’s feelings then you really are not a true ally. Come on. These people are gross. Let’s just have them drink and do Adderall and not even try to tackle bigger issues, because it’s making me upset.
I do not really have the time today to revisit all of Lala’s crazy actions at SUR this week, but I signed up for this. *Deep sighs* let’s go.
I’ll tell you what I do have time for, though: QUEEN ARIANA coming for every single one of these people who actively made fun of her when her dad died. JAX HIMSELF said Ariana “played the Dad card.” Woooooooooooooooooo
Me, 2,000 years later: ooooooooowwwwwwwww.
And this is, in a word, why I don’t want to watch this show anymore. It’s truly astounding. Do these people all lack basic memory processing, or are they that deep in denial? Or do they simply pretend and lie to themselves that they’ve never done the very same terrible things they are icing other people out for doing, as a method of self-preservation and staying on the show? Whatever the reason, I’m not sure it’s enough to willingly subject myself to this stress and spike in blood pressure, week after week. Don’t come for me in the comments. I need a long break from this hypocritical flaming diaper filled with gas station sushi. Good thing this sh*t will be off the air until December.
Apparently Billie called Lala the Donald Trump of Sur because she projects nonstop. Lol. I don’t think that’s the biggest criticism you could have of Trump, or even the most accurate one. Lala defends calling Billie trash by saying she acted like trash that day. Billie, in turn, says that Lala acts like a high-class prostitute all the time. I mean, true, but at least she’s high-class. Surprisingly, Lala doesn’t even take the bait at that.
Is that actually growth? I don’t really know.
We revisit Lala yelling at Raquel and Billie during the bruch. Lala says she would do it again. I mean, I guess I can admire that Lala stands by her actions. Lisa says she was acting aggressive, and her argument against that claim is, “I didn’t actually draw blood so I wasn’t aggressive.” Yes, good job Lala! Good job on not copping an assault charge. We’re making a medal for you as we speak—just gotta wait on the engraving.
Billie says what we’re all thinking and asks if Lala was on something that day. Kristen then jumps in, again, for nO REASON AT ALL, to try to defend Lala, who keeps saying “I got this babe” over her. Kristen. YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE. Stop inserting yourself into every narrative. Your presence is completely unnecessary here.
On a lighter note that quickly gets darker, Tom and Ariana bought a house, which we all knew because we follow them on social media. Apparently they all bought houses next to each other, doing their best efforts to secure that this show will continue on for years. God help us all.
Andy brings up what we’re all thinking, but none of us want to become reality: They’re all going to start having babies soon. Lord Jesus, fix it. Brittany says she can’t wait to be a mom, and “as soon as it feels right, it’s going to happen.” Full yikes. Imagine what Jax is going to do when Brittany can’t have sex on command because she is carrying a child. Wait, actually… maybe I don’t want this show to end. Hmmm…
Andy asks Ariana why she hates why she gets so sick of people asking when she is going to have kids. I’ll take this one for her. BECAUSE WOMEN ARE WORTH MORE THAN THEIR WOMBS.
Lala talks about her sobriety, saying that what really did it was she went to Disneyworld and was drunk for four days straight (same girl x 3), and then got on the plane and was face-chugging from a bottle. Seems like a productive step; will she stop pointing and yelling in people’s faces like she’s on an episode of Bad Girls Club now? Time will tell.
This obviously segues into talking about James’s sobriety. James claims he’s not drinking and partying because he’s been DJing a lot and working a lot. First of all, those things are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I would argue that you probably need to be on something in order to be a DJ in earnest. Kristen says “I’m so f*cking tired of this narrative.” Okay Kristen, I am thoroughly exhausted by YOUR narrative. Sandoval tries to
not-so- subtly imply that James’s downfall is mixing coke and drinking. He says, “yeah but your problem is when you mix alcohol and other things,” to which James replies, “I smoke weed,” to which Sandoval clarifies, “no I mean uppers”.
Me, when Sandoval finally admits what we in the secret Facebook groups and on Reddit have known for years, that they are all on coke:
I can’t believe they didn’t edit that out!! James tells Sandoval to shut his mouth. Lisa jumps in to be like, “don’t talk to him like that, he’s had your back this whole time.” Yeah, Lisa, but he just outed James as a cokehead! I’d tell whoever did that to shut their mouth also.
Kristen says “the one person who’s had your back this entire time, and that’s how you speak to him.” I audibly said out loud, while my friend was sitting next to me grading papers, “Kristen, shut the f*ck up.” My friend was confused. I stood by my statement.
James tries to stick up for himself to Andy, and Stassi starts making fun of him, so James calls Stassi’s extensions ugly. I mean, they look great IMO. Also it’s crazy (and gross) how James’s first instinct is always to insult a woman’s appearance, when there is so much about these women’s choices and personalities that he could make fun of.
Andy asks James if he is still helping his family, and James says he’s helping them a lot. He says “I don’t want to go into detail about how much,” And Kristen says, in a terrible British accent. “Of course you don’t. Cause you want to act like you’re the only one who’s ever helped out your family like we haven’t all.” Andy says what I have been saying for two consecutive weeks, on repeat like the broken record I am: “Kristen, why are you chiming in every time someone opens their mouth?” Kristen says it’s because she’s f*cking sick of [something that gets cut off], because I guess she can’t say that she needs to cling to something to stay on the show.
Stassi, for some reason, is personally offended by this and says that she has done a lot for her family also. Cool, I’m sure she has, it’s not a zero-sum game! James helping his family doesn’t mean y’all don’t. These two things have nothing to do with each other. If each member of VPR helping out their families was part of a Venn diagram, each circle would be on a different page.
Kristen is saying that it’s not anyone’s business what they do for their families. I think the real issue at heart here is they don’t like that James is getting any sort of sympathetic edit or storyline. But of course they can’t say that, because this is a show.
Hahahah we bring up James’s train wreck of a mom. Lisa notes that James’s perception would be 100% negative if not for the parts we see about his family. And HERE is where Katie admits the truth. “Where’s my compassion?” she asks. “I’ve been going through a hell of a ride, Lisa,” she says, as if Lisa is in the editing room. As if Katie didn’t get a positive edit, like, all of last season. She brings up her brain injury (which happened before the show) and how it caused her to battle depression and PTSD. And, yes, Katie has been through a lot with her injury, but the only way I would feel sympathy for her is if somebody proved that her brain injury turned her into the mean, miserable person she’s been acting like on camera. Is that possible? Can we get a doctor in the house?
Kristen starts sh*tting on James’s family, calling them cheap bastards. She literally says that James was raised by a bunch of assholes. Unlike the f*cking princes and princesses Kristen Doute was raised by.
James walks out, saying “I’m not gonna let someone sh*t talk my family, if you don’t want me to rip their f*cking head off.”
Well, this sh*t has officially gone off the rails. I will see you all next week!
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