The 6 Changes To Make To Your Coffee Order If You’re Trying To Lose Weight


In case you missed it, Starbucks launched their Unicorn Frappuccino last week, proving to all of us that it was somehow possible for 12-year-old girls to hack the sites menu portal and create this cup of pure rainbow shit. Also referred to as the Mountain Dew of coffee, or The reason 2017 is turning out to be worse than 2016, this drink is literally the reason Americans are stupid and morbidly obese.

As we picked up our venti cold brew and judged everyone ordering the latest Lisa Frank-inspired concoction, we started to think about our own Starbucks orders. Like, we wouldnt be caught dead ordering a frappuccino, but what if we want something other than a black coffee with a Splenda and a splash of Skim? How fat would we get? After doing some research, we came up with some ideas for ordering delicious shit from Starbucks without gaining weight. Here are some rules to follow:

1. Think Ahead

First of all, if youre a Starbs rookie, there are a couple things you should know. If you dont specify exactly what you want, youre fucked. Dont order a latte assuming theyll use skim milk or soy. Theyre using 2%, and the calories will start adding up REAL quick. Also, if youre ordering an iced tea and dont specify that you want it unsweetened, theyll sweeten it with the full-sugar classic syrup, and trust me, you dont want to be consuming that.

2. If You Must Get Syrup, Opt For Sugar-Free

The next thing you should know is that if youre dying for some sweet AF flavor in your drink, the only syrups that come in sugar-free versions are the mocha, vanilla, and cinnamon dolce. So, if youre ordering a skinny caramel latte thinking youre being healthy, theyre putting the real caramel syrup in, and probably adding more than the nutritional info accounts for. Basically, you’re playing yourself.

3. Customize Your Drink (Without Being Annoying)

Now that we have the basics down, its time to get creative. If you think about it, the Starbucks menu is just a bunch of combinations of syrups, espresso shots, and milk, so its easy to customize a drink that has basically no cals with tons of ingredients. If the barista looks confused when you order something thats not on the menu, just make it seem like you order it everyday and have never had a problem. Youll be surprised how flexible shell be when you have 12 angry people in line behind you who havent had caffeine yet.

4. Three Words: Iced Skinny Latte

If you’re a frappuccino addict (what are you, 12?) the typical health hack of Starbucks is to switch your ice cream concoction to the iced skinny latte. If youre into flavors, choose from sugar-free vanilla, mocha, or cinnamon dolce, and if youre legit dying for white chocolate for some reason, ask for half a pump AT MOST. That shit is sweet enough with just a drop, so youll be fine. The iced skinny latte is made with a shot of espresso, skim milk, and the syrup you ask for, and the whole drink is like 80 calories. Maybe 100 for a grande. You can also ask for coconut milk or soy if youre dairy-free, and the cals are basically the same. If you want something a little sweeter, get the tall iced skinny macchiato, which is also less than 100 calories. They dont add as much caramel drizzle as they do on a regular, but once again, youre an adult and youll be okay without the mountain of sticky caramel on your morning coffee.

5. Swap Out Your Cappuccino

If youre one of those girls who went abroad a few years ago still needs to start every morning with a hot cappuccino with extra foam, try getting the Americano Misto instead. Its a hot drink thats basically just espresso shots, water filled up halfway, and steamed milk on top. AKA it’s not all steamed milk aka slightly less fattening.

6. Stay Away From The Fancy Fake Coffee Drinks

If you want to order a drink thats not coffee, skip the diabetes bombs like the vanilla bean frap or strawberries and cream, and instead get a tall passion iced tea with soy milk. The whole drink is about 70 calories, and tastes like a creamy fruit drink. It might not taste like a double chocolate DQ blizzard, but then again its 2pm on a Wednesday and youre sober. Youll take the iced tea.

So there you have it. Theres a lot you can order at Starbucks if youre willing to get creative and get a couple weird stares from people in line. Just promise us, for Gods sake, that you wont add whipped cream, because theres literally nothing we can help you with there. You can try Sears.

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