Shut Up And Drink: Weekend Horoscopes July 21-23

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Here we are again. Another weekend, another attempt to plan our future debauchery around the arbitrary movement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of our birth. Its kind of beautiful, isnt it? Will you be blacking out this weekend, or will you be staying in and catching up on all the shows you keep promising people youll watch? Will you meet your future husband, or will you drunkenly makeup with the fuckboy who will waste the next six months of your life? Theres no way to know. Just kidding! Yes, there is! You can look to the stars! And being that we adult, educated women would never do anything without consulting the heavens, lets dive into it so that you can make the absolute most of this midsummer weekend.

Aries

Word to the wise: every betch needs a side hustle. Dont know what yours is? Well this is the weekend to figure it out. If you have a skill or hobby, this would be the obvious choice, but dont let that limit you. There are thousands of mediocre Etsy pages out there peddling half-assed product and making actual money off of it, so why not you? Grab some chalk pens, watch a YouTube video about calligraphy, and start collecting those checks.

Taurus

Emotions are a crazy thing, Taurus. Crazy in the sense that no one wants to hear about them, but that doesnt seem to stop you from telling anyone in earshot about your latest breakdown. This weekend, reach down into your Irish roots and repress every emotion that tries to leave your body. Not Irish? For the next two days, you are. Its an easy one-step process where you drink alcohol anytime you consider talking about the way you feel. Give it a try.

Gemini

Some of your decisions lately have been sketchy to say the least. You arent really being yourself and its pretty goddamn obvious to just about everyone who knows you. Your friends. Your coworkers. That guy you ghosted three months ago who wont fucking quit. Literally everyone is on to you. This weekend, try getting back to basics. Maybe go out and do some of the things you used to enjoy and see if that spark is still there. People change, which is fine, so its possible this could be the beginning of the new you. But if it is, make sure the decision is yours alone and not being influenced by others.

Cancer

Youve been through a bit of a rough patch recently, Cancer.  Has this patch lasted the entirety of summer? Sure, but that doesnt mean your luck cant turn around now. Pretend this weekend is the first of the summer and dedicate yourself to having the best time ever. My advice would be to turn on by Carly Rae Jepsen and follow your instincts from there on out. Wherever Carly takes you is the place you need to be, and hopefully, that place is full of margaritas.

Leo

Birthday season is right around the corner Leo, which means all productivity is about to halt in celebration of the most important person in your life: you. Everyone knows that a Leo throws down for their birthday, and this year should be no different. This weekend, take some time to strategize the perfect birthday plan. Whether youre looking for an intimate gathering of your closest friends or an all-out party the likes of which could get you evicted from your apartment complex, there is only one rule: whatever you say goes. Stock up on the champagne and get ready for a month of celebrating.

Virgo

Virgo, it’s time to get loose and have some fun this weekend. No offense, but youve been pretty stale lately and this is the weekend that all changes. Make sure to pay attention to all the men around you, because one of them might turn out to be the man of your dreams. Or maybe just the man of the night. Or even just the man who keeps buying you shots of tequila. Either way, be a yes betch and have an amazing night that you’ll never remember. TBH, it probably for the best.

Libra

Libras have a tendency to throw down for their friends. Or their acquaintances. OR a girl they met in line for the bathroom whos just having a rough night. Its sweet in theory, but its also emotionally exhausting and a bit extra if were being honest. This weekend, try and be a little more judicious about the people you throw yourself on the line for. I know its going to be hard to not rush to the defense of every person you come across, but you just might make it through the weekend with your mental and physical health intact. Yes, it is in fact possible.

Scorpio

Yikes, Scorpio. Im not sure what exactly is going down this weekend, but I do know that its going to be shitty. At times it may seem like the world is ending, but this is where your friends come in with ample amounts of alcohol to assure you that its not. Unless you count the drifting icecaps and all but dont think about that right now. There is nothing more powerful than the will of a drunk girl trying to cheer up her sad friend. If science could bottle that kind of effort, the world would be at peace. Just sit back and try to keep your head above water; your friends should take care of the rest.

Sagittarius

This is a weekend of new experiences and new people, Sagittarius, and your only job is to go with the flow. Some if it may seem weird at times, but dont question it. If needed, employ some clichd mentality like youre only young once or its summer or I suffer from near constant existential dread and no longer fear the threat of death. You know, whatever works for you. Just keep an open mind and let the universe take care of the rest.

Capricorn

Love is in the air, Capricorn. You may have confused it for allergens or smoke from wild fires, but its love, we swear. Instead of going the usual route of avoiding that shit at all costs, this weekend try maybe, I dont know, being open to it? Its a wild concept but stay with me here. Rumor has it that some people open themselves up to others and actually enjoy it. Bible. For the next two days, you are one of those foreign people with no walls or emotional baggage. Lets see where it takes you.

Aquarius

The nostalgia is going to be real this weekend, Aquarius. Gross, right? Something about the weather, the stars, or the people will be taking you on a long trip down memory lane. It can be comforting to go back in time and remember the people who helped make you the person you are today. Or it can be horrifying. Guess theres only one way to find out. No matter the outcome, alcohol will be there to see you through it.

Pisces

I have one word for you this weekend, Pisces: you. Youve been doing the most these past few weeks and seem to only suffer for it, good intentions be damned. Your life right now is the truest example of no good deed goes unpunished, so its time to stop fucking doing good deeds. The next 48 hours should be a tribute to you and anyone whos not onboard can get tossed to the side. You deserve some unadulterated praise, and its about time you get it. Bless up.
 

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