Selena Gomez Dethrones Taylor Swift In World’s Lamest Popularity Contest


Celebrities, as we all know, are better than you at everything. They’re better at dressing well. They’re better at being rich. They’re especially better at making me want to have sex with them. However, contrary to Thomas Jefferson and co.’s commie pinko bullshit in the Declaration of Independence, all celebrities are not created equal. Some celebrities are just better than others. Today, or sometime last night, or who the fuck cares, Selena Gomez became the best celebrity: she surpassed Taylor Swift for having the mostest Instagram followers.

Selena Gomez is currently sitting bonita at 69.5 million followers, while Taylor Swift has a paltry, bullshit 69.3 million and is probably considering suicide, or at the very least buying something from JC Penney as a form of self-flagellation. Kim Kardashian, way back in nowheresville, has 63.7 million followers but no one gives a shit because literally no one notices unless she’s posting pictures of her jubblies.

How did Selena get so Insta-famous? I mean, the answer is obviously “by being a lovely person” to those of us who aren’t selfish jerks. But if you want to see what it takes to cultivate enough followers to earn more money with one sponsored Instagram post than you’ll ever make in your life, here’s a video of Selena Gomez eating a hamburger:

-I had one last week tho

A video posted by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on

Mar 12, 2016 at 5:54pm PST

Nailed it. If I could follow her 1,000 times, it wouldn’t be enough. I’d follow her to the moon. I’d follow her to Paris, where we’ll surely have our wedding. I’d even follow her to the bathroom, probably not long after she finished that McDonald’s burger. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, sucks because she posts not-at-all-cute bullshit like this:

She knows.

A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Mar 12, 2016 at 2:45pm PST

What a loser. Also, someone in that post’s comments claims they have her phone number. Someone should text it and let me know what happens, because it’s not like I’d kick TSwift out of bed for eating crackers. Goldfish, maybe. Goldfish crumbs are awful and no one wants to smell your cheddar breath.

Kim Kardashian, meanwhile, enjoys social media (despite being only 3rd-best at it).

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