Everyone knows that having one of those ‘fun’, ‘creative’ jobs is unlikely to make you a lot of dosh.Being an artist normally lands you straight into the“trendy-but-romantically-penniless” category, in a house share in Dalston alongside other would-be actors and writers… (oh, sh*t).
As being penniless is about as fun as eating tinned sardines for the rest of your life, many upcoming ‘creators’ tend to dabble in an ‘un-fun’ job on the side – like pot washing or pint pulling – while they make life-sized portraits out of loo roll and blue tack back at home.
Others, like artist Tim Patch, think outside the box and use their own “assets” to make ends meet. Tim, who also goes by the name Pricasso, uses his (you’ve guessed it) penis to create unique portraits, landscapes and female nudes. So how could I refuse when he put me in the hot seat at London’s Sexpo… hey, it’s not everyday that a man offers to paint you with his penis…
Tim was born in the UK and studied at the Portsmouth College of Art before migrating to Australia nearly forty years ago. Before he started putting his ‘part’ in art, Tim got to grips working with wood – as a carpenter, you filthy animals – and as a local builder, but says he “never sold a picture done with a brush.”
After watching Puppetry of the Penis, a show where two Aussie guys contort their penises for fun, Tim looked down at his one-legged-wonder and thought:
“Could I make art with this thing?”
So he dipped ‘it’ in a pot of homemade paint (the lime in normal paint would have eroded his skin – ouch) and set to work. A friend dared him to paint at her New Years Eve party in 2005, and after that he quickly perfected the art, painting portraits in around 20 minutes.Tim covers his bits in Vaseline for protection before using his penis to draw the portraits and his buttocks – bigger surface area – to create the background.
He has taken his penis all over the world, featuring at international ‘Sexpos’ and drawn portraits of Hugh Heffner, who he says is a “nasty man”, world leaders such as George W. Bush and plenty of erotic stars such as porn-classic, Ron Jeremy. He provides a DVD of the whole process – to relive the memories – and reassured me that, “yes, it does still work.”
The weirdest part of his job? When clients ask him to literally put that bit extra of himself into his work and cum on the canvas once he’s done… of which he obliges, if the price is right.
The lure of having Tim’s DNA all over my freshly-painted face was tempting, but I decided to go cum-free with my portrait. For a man who just uses his flaccid penis to create artwork, you have to admit this is pretty impressive. I’ve been looking at my own appendages in a new light ever since…
Spot our intern Alfie asking Tim for dating tips at London’s Sexpo…