Donald Trump has alienated many groups of people throughout his career Muslims, Latinos, all of Western Europe but the candidate finally crossed the line when he offended one of the country’s most vulnerable demographics: Law and Order fans.
For weeks, Donald Trump has been referring to himself as “the law and order candidate,” an assignation last used by President Richard Nixon 56 years ago. Trump appears to be striking the position the former president once did: a strong man who maintains authority in a time of civic unrest. But the candidate is also appropriating a title that belongs to one of the country’s most beloved televisions programs, and doing the show a tremendous disservice.
If Donald Trump were an actual politician from Law and Order, he would look nothing like the candidate we see today. Sure, sometimes he’d flaunt the law but it would be for the greater good, and he’d look super attractive doing it.
Here’s how Trump would look as a real Law and Order candidate.
1. He would lose that random collection of uncooked spaghetti he calls a toupee.
Real Law and Order men don’t wear toupees they purchased from the Family Dollar 99-cent bin. They’re not afraid to show their bald heads because they’re proud, competent, and confident in themselves. Also, they’re way hotter.
2. He would talk approximately 99.999999999% less.
Have you seen Elliot Stabler? That man didn’t use a single adjective in 20 years. True Law and Order candidates don’t spend 45 minutes trying to introduce their vice president they mumble some urgent commands before settling into down into a beautiful, angry silence.
3. He would be wildly obsessed with his 16-year-old daughter, instead of just strangely fixated.
Trump has a notoriously distant relationship with some of his kids, aside from this, um, awkward photo shoot he did with Ivanka in 1996. Stabler, however, was literally obsessed with his daughter Kathleen even though that reckless punk did nothing but cause chaos and decay.
4. He would actually show up to work.
Characters on Law and Order are proud workaholics who eschew personal relationships in the name of deli coffee and the greater god. Donald Trump wants to have a vice president who’d be in charge of all “domestic and foreign policy,” a.k.a., the entire presidency.
5. He wouldn’t eat his goddamn steak well done.
Ice-T eats his meat the way a real television cop would: pink. If Donald Trump were a real Law and Order character, and not a glorified Idaho potato in human skin drag, he wouldn’t eat his meat well done, as some sources have alleged.
6. He wouldn’t see America in decline because the system has always been corrupt.
Why bother? Judges are incompetent, defense attorneys morally bankrupt, and mankind is on a high-speed chariot headed directly towards hell.
7. He wouldn’t move his hands like this.
Real Law and Order men keep their hands to their sides, or anxiously clench their fist at all times.
8. He would defend the law, instead of being the defendant.
Trump has had over 3,500 lawsuits filed against him and his businesses. Elliot Stabler is made of angel meat.
9. He would maintain a spotless record except for an incident of violence he committed many years ago, which haunts him at night.
Real Law and Order cops sometimes abuse their power and then feel guilty about it for the rest of their lives. Their shame only comes out in mandated therapy sessions they have with the police force’s psychologist, who they automatically resent.
10. He would see women as his equals, if not his superiors.
Donald Trump has a notoriously testy relationship with certain bimbos, as he calls them, but Stabler loves powerful women more than he loves himself.
11. He would go after people like Donald Trump.
There is nothing cops on Law and Order hate more than talkative people in power who abuse their privilege and don’t have any care for the rule of law. If Donald Trump were a true Law and Order candidate, he’d find that the biggest perp would be himself.