Empire Recap: #Blessed


We return to Empire to learn that Lucious has been dismissed of all charges and is now a free man. Wow, that was fast. I feel like this whole season of Empire has been essentially starting plotlines one episode and then ending them the next episode. They are the hit it and quit it of plotlines.

They dub Vernons death a suicide, which makes literally no sense. Like there was a crack in the back of his skulllike how does thathow can that mean.whatever Im getting cheese fries.

They want Lucious to make a statement, hes like, , and he sends it to Cookie. Basically the whole statement is and its like, no thank you.

Tiana is in the studio when Hakeem and the new latina girl come in. Idk her name, and at the rate this season is going, her character and plotline will be gone next week anyway.x

Hot Latina asks Tiana if she is hooking up with Hakeem and Tiana is like, . Cue the famous Cookie line-

Lucious makes Andre the president of Gutterlife records, the out of the hood program at Empire, and showers Andre with strippers and thugs, which Andre DGAF about.

Jamal is in the studio with Lucious and NeYo (wtf?) and NeYo is like yo, Mal that was hot. and Lucious is like, shut up NeYo you aint been good since So Sick. Either way, Ne-Yo and Jamal decide to go on tour together, which is like, random, but okay.

Ricky Martin comes in and instantly gets his panties wet over seeing NeYo. Seriously Ricky? Youre embarrassing Jamal in front of his friends. Get ahold of yourself. Jamal tells Ricky that NeYo is going on tour too and Ricky damn near starts crying. NeYos like, woahhhh I havent had a fan who gave this much of a shit since 2009.

Lucious is like, yo leave your flame-boy at home during the tour, you dont need any distractions. Jamal initially disagrees with his Dad, but you know that punk-ass will cave. Whats an episode of Empire without Jamal acting like Lucious bottom bitch, right?

Andre is talking to a gardening preacher in an alley way, casual, and hes like . And the preacher is like

#1. Dont talk about Fight Club Church
#2. on Wednesdays we wear pink
#3. You have to confess your sins to your family

Normal people have pretty average sins like I stole 20 dollars or some shit like that, but Andres sins are more like Forgiving Andres sin are gonna be like, a tad bit hard.

Andre is like, and the preacher is like, . This is like sorority recruitment: Make the PNMs all want to be a Kappa!

Tiana is standing in front of the label, which is in the straight up hood, and sees these two ghetto ass bitches who ask if they can take a picture with her. While they are taking the picture the more lesbian looking of the two (think the Black girl in Pitch Perfect), pulls out a fucking RAZOR BLADE OUT OF HER MOUTH. Seriously? I cried when I got braces put in and you have a goddamn knife in your mouth?

The whole thing is low-key terrifying and when I become famous Im never taking a fucking picture with a fan. They end up assaulting Tiana and stealing her purse.

Cookie gets sent a video after the Tiana attack and it turns out that Lyon Dynasty is marked. Thats basically saying they are going to be attacked until they pay a bunch of thugs money. Getting marked is just ebonics for extortion.

Tom Green, Jamal and Ricky Martin are hanging out and Tom Green is like gay marriage sucks because marriage sucks because God Im so single and lonely please love me. Jamal is drunk AF and is like Yo, Tom Green you hella crazy bro and then Tom Green tries to go down on him, in the middle of the fucking club. Have some decency Tom Green- if youre going to give a blowie to a dude in a club, go to the Mens bathroom like the rest of us. I mean, seriously, were you raised in a goddamn barn?

Jamal tells Tom Green that he would never cheat on Ricky Martin like that. Also, Tom looks like the kind of crazy that would use a lot of teeth, good call on avoiding that Jamal.

Cookie meets with a concert promoter and hes all too sure of himself and his ability to protect Cookie from these dudes who want to extort her. Seems sketchy to me, but the dude is really hot so Cookie turns a blind eye. This is why this bitch was in jail for so long.

Porsche shows up with a fucking terrier guard dog named Whoopty Whoop and asks for her job back. Cookie gives it to her because Cookie is losing her goddamn touch, thats why. Bring back mean Cookie.

And hold up, youll hire Porsche who can barely spell her own name right and not Anika, who’s like a seasoned expert and has a ton of connections? Look, I was a Business Major for a semester and I can tell you that this is a bad decision.

Anika: Will you take me back?
Cookie: I dont trust you.
Anika: WTF Porsche literally got you arrested.
Cookie: I dont understand the question and I wont respond to it.

Andre tells Blondie that he wants to be baptized and shes ugh not this bullshit again. Shes in a denim patchwork mini skirt that I havent seen since a Britney Spears video in 2007 and looking NOT PREGNANT AT ALL.

Blondie tries to fuck Andre, and I dont blame her, but then he says something about having a baby and she looks guilty as fuck. Did you seriously lie about being pregnant to avoid your husband turning you in for murder? Because I cant tell if thats insanely fucked up or genius.

Cookie and Lucious go to get Vernons ashes because Vernon has no other friends. Womp womp. Cookie admits she dosesnt think Vernon killed himself and thinks Lucious hired a goon to kill him. Lucious is like,

Cookie is like, . And Lucious is like,

Andre goes to Lucious office and the creepy lawyer is there asking about Anika and Cookie. Andre is a real dick to him and doesnt trust him at all, which makes sense. He looks like a voodoo practicing motherfucker though, I wouldnt get on his bad side.

Jamal tells Ricky Martin he doesnt want him on tour and Ricky starts acting like a PMSing little bitch and is like Literally, no, those words were never mentioned, youre just fucking crazy.

Jamal is struggling in the in the studio because of this distraction and NeYo convinces and Jamal to take Ricky on the tour, partially for love and partially so Ricky will shut the fuck up for like 3 seconds.

Meanwhile, Hakeem tries to hit on hot latina and shes like Im not that type of girl. Basically saying, And she leaves the studio. Girl, you know people are getting attacked out there? You fuckin’ crazy.

Cookie and the concert promoter are at the recording studio, drowning us in awkward old people sexual tension, when Porsches guard dog starts barking. They go to find two dudes trying to rob Cookie and Cookie/the promoter both whip out their guns.

They asked the dudes who sent them, and they say it was Lucious creepy ass lawyer, which makes sense because they were trying to steal music. Cookie and the Club Promoter both giggle at the fact that they both have guns and act like packing heat is just the cutest fucking thing in the world.

Jamal has a party and catches Ricky Martin getting a blowjob by Tom Green. Why is this crackhead still relevant? And we know that Ricky probs has the herpes now, so you can kiss that peepee goodbye.

Andre gets Jamal and Keem to meet up to confess his sins. Jamal is like, and Andres like

Andre confesses that he was the one who got Jamal held up at gunpoint last season, not Hakeem. Hakeem gets surprisingly defensive of Jamal and is like wait, Mal could have died!! Andres like, I know, my b.

He apologizes genuinely and asks them to come to his baptism. Keem is like , and Jamal is like Jamal would have way too much FOMO if he didnt.

Andre is talking to Lucious about the lawyer coming to rob Cookie and how thats fucked up and Lucious DGAF. Andre is still doing this repenting my sins bullshit and admits to Lucious that he helped Cookie blackmail him last season.

He also admits that he tried to kill himself to get back at Lucious. Lucious is a little shaken by that, but is back to being an asshole in .5 seconds when he tells Andre that he wont go to the baptism because Andre needs to man up.

Keem finds the hot latina and apologizes for hitting on her. Hakeem is really starting to grow on me, why is this happening? He lets her get a ride in his town car while he walks on the street. Does he not understand that people are trying to fucking kill him? Does no one get that?

Lucious and Chris Rocks daughter are in the studio rapping about her daddy. Shes not rapping very well, per usual, and Lucious is like your daddy is a good man, blah blah and he is talking from experience. He knows her dad super well. He murdered him. They are practically besties.

However, hearing these shitty raps about a dead gangster of whom he executed, Lucious decides to get a conscious and attend Andres baptism.

Lucious shows up and about a million jokes about him being the devil are made. They arent far off. If you wanted to be really scary this Halloween, dress as Lucious Lyon. Because wed have to all assume that youre a murdering rapist.

While Andre is getting his head dunked in the holy water, Lucious has flashbacks of being baptized by Kelly Rowland, who is his mom, even though it looks more like a drowning. I would rather drown than listen to Kelly Rowland, so Lucious needs to stop fucking complaining.

Either way, Lucious leaves mid-baptism, making Andre upset. Gods up in heaven going

The episode ends with some beautiful gospel music and youre just about to turn off the TV when it shows Hakeem running shirtless in a very crowded park. He turns a corner and then is attacked by three dudes. WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK.

They haul Hakeem, who is a very famous person running in a very public park, into a fucking minivan and tell him basically that hes about to die. Because shit like this happens everyday. And then it ends. WHY EMPIRE WHY.

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