Your thoughts race: It isn’tit couldn’t bebut it isan acquaintance.
To assist, here are some do’s and don’t to use when you run into someone while you’re home for the holidays.
1. Don’t immediately cross the street to avoid the person. Wait until you reach a crosswalk to avoid a ticket for jaywalking.
2. Don’t play dead, unless the acquaintance is a large bear you recently wronged.
3. If you make eye contact, you must say hello in at least 10 different languages.
4. If it’s a person you’ve previously dated, you must approach them and say, “I am doing well. I am doing so well. When you broke my heart, it was the best thing that could have happened. I am not only rich now, but happy.”
5. Do speak softly, but do not carry a big stick. It’s alarming.
6. Do shake their hand if they extend theirs to you. Do not shake their foot, even if it is approaching you first.
7. Pick up the nearest newspaper. Hold it in front of your face. Fold it into an airplane. Throw it and run.
8. Do not stop, drop and roll. Choose only one of the three.
9. If you initiate conversation, bring up something you know about the other person. For instance, rehash every single detail you remember about them from high school.
10. Ask a specific question, like “What are your holiday plans?” or “How much money do you make now?”
11. Remember to smile, especially if the person you’re talking to just cat-called you.
12. If they were formerly the popular kid, ask if they’d like to hang out. Entice them by stating that you can now legally buy cigarettes.
13. Say your favorite Seinfeld quote. Everybody loves Seinfeld.
14. Don’t pretend to text. Instead, actually send a text to the person who is approaching you to let them know you won’t be saying hello on the street.
15. Smile and wave, but look at the person behind them. That way, your acquaintance will know you’re cool and have lots of friends.
16. Sing that Gotye song at them. You know the one.
17. Avoid turning what the other person says into a drinking game.
18. Don’t refer them to your doctor, unless you want to run into them in the waiting room and do this all over again.
19. Don’t just beg them to pretend to be your significant other during your family’s holiday dinner. Offer them money to play that role.