As per usual, their lives wholly changed. Matt detected you can actually be so tired your balls hurt. He also learnt about breast pumps. These are really exciting times.
He posted a big long status in December to share some of his experiences, witticism and tips on the topic of parenting. It’s a little sweary, but mostly only brutally honest. The internet got a hold of it, and it has now been shared over 8,000 times.
No pressure, Matt.
His post read 😛 TAGEND “I was congratulating myself today on how I’ve got nappy changing down to a precision art. I’m basically like a Formula One cavity crew.. in fact, in many ways, I’m better, because when you’re speed-changing the tyres on Lewis Hamilton’s car he’s likely less likely to piss in your eyes and projectile shit up your limbs .
so, this is what else I’ve learnt in so far .. The Birth .
– I used to think that the hypothesi that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, only because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it’s a distinct prospect given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labor is .. The labour suite is like is available on’ Nam .. It is nothing like you are presented in sitcoms or cinema .. unless that cinema is Saw IV, combined with either the chest exploding scene from Alien. So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience .. you’re a bunch of f* cking liars . .. Labour is like magic .. but only in that its best when you don’t know how it’s done .
( In truth, the hardest thing about labor is seeing someone you love in such excruciating ache. But then Lyns did once construct me sit through an episode of Downton Abbey so .. six of one, half a doz ..) The first week .
– I never knew this .. but newborns breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm.. There is no situated pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds only long enough for you to think they’ve died .. Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they’ve died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time .
– A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute . … At 3am it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking .
– Baby piss in the eye really is only funny the first time and every single shit really is comically day. The worst thing is when they do a’ lure-shit’, then wait till you’ve got the nappy off mid-change to bring the real thunder.. It’s the same thing terrorists do when they time bombs to go off just as the emergency services arrive .
– Every item of clothing is held together with f* cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary only to construct you look like a moron in front of your child .. who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling .. Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f* cking balloon. when you tell them to stay still they dismiss you or scratch their own face. they’re mental .
( I’m thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers trousers. You should be able to only hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they’re wearing in the other and only separate the two with a fulfilling rip .. )
– Newborns at this age don’t look like anyone.. every one sits around drinking a f* ckload of tea and says he looks just like you, or he looks like his grandad or whatever .. In truth they all look like Ross Kemp .
( well, they look like one of the Mitchell brothers anyway .. if you’ve got an ugly baby .. its Phil ) The first month .
– Throughout my adult life I’ve tried to read a book a week or so. I’m not naive I knew that I’d have less time so I guessed I’d promise myself that I’d try and read a book a month.. It’s now been a couple of months and the only thing I’ve read is a pamphlet on Breast pumps.( and I’ve still not got to the end of that, I keep falling asleep during the paragraph on’ nipple confusion’ ..)
– It is possible to have little longer sleep that your balls hurt .
– Does anyone recollect the reveal’ Touch the Truck’ with Dale Winton( before he had his face retro-fitted ).?. It was on Channel 5 and basically 8 contestants put their hands on a truck and the last one to keep their hands on it and stay awake won the thing. Having a baby is like being on Touch the Truck .. the only difference is that on Touch the Truck you were allowed to have a piss and something to feed every 3 hours . .. and you won a truck .
– Whether Lyns likes it or not holding the baby above your head when its naked, and singing’ The Circle of Life’ is funny .
– Its only when you’ve just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is .. I guessed our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f* cking a tank .
– Trying to stroll round a supermarket takes ages because old females reeeally like newborns and lock onto a pram with the dead-eyed persistence of a predator drone. Dodging them is like playing Frogger. They’re wily, if there’s more than one of them you’re screwed, they’ll split up and hunt in packs like f* cking raptors . After the three months … Now ..
– The most important thing ive learnt in so far is that Charlie is supremely luck to have Lyns as his mum. She’s tough, smart, funny and in love .. and she will make sure I don’t fuck up too much. Hopefully, her Dna will also batter my genetic predisposition towards big nostrils and man-tits .
He is without reservation the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both ..( Better than completing the world cup panini sticker album which, i did in both 86 and 90 ). He has already removed enough of my cynicism to include this paragraph .. and I feel pretty sure that I’m going to be good at this .. because as shit, disorganised and pathetically inept as I am .. it is beyond important to me that Charlie comes to no damage. and that, as far as I can make out, is not a bad measure.”
His post has received almost four thousand comments, with a lot of other mothers congratulating him on summing up parenting so well, or devoting him some handy parenting tips for the future.
Good luck, Matt. Go forth and subdue/ change nappies.
( You can see his original post here .)