Young people, right? Give them a transcript of Atlas Shrugged , The Communist Manifesto , or Goofus And Gallant Go To The Electric Daisy Carnival , and they get all brassy and smug just because they’re “re gonna die” a few decades after you. Fortunately, the media has a surefire route of inducing the olds feel better about themselves: clickbait news tales that depict millennials as slobbering nincompoops.
Look, folks: You were either fresh-faced and intolerable once, or are currently limber and supple and perfectly excruciating to be around.( Or perhaps you’re experiencing the twin pleasures of being ancient and nasty, like a cursed mummy .) But the point is that portraying the youth of today as Archie and Jughead hopped up on The Weeknd and emojis isn’t going to make the world a less stupid place. So the next time you insure the news broadbrush an entire generation as dumbshits, remember the following overblown yarns …
# 6. A Professor Didn’t Fail His Entire Class Out of “Tough Love”
Ah, college. It’s that cherished time in a young person’s life when they can live in the same hoodie for four to eight years, and plunk down $150,000 for the privilege of napping through a communications class. So when a story constructed its way around the Internet a while back about a Texas A& M University professor failing an entire class as a sort of “tough love, ” it made total sense. Good on that rough-and-tumble Texan for showing those damn millennials what the world is genuinely like.
Namely: Controlled solely by the arbitrary whims of old, angry, uncaring white dudes .
One headline even went in so far as to question, “Is This A Millennials Problem? ” but forgot to include the answer, which is a echoing “Ha , no.” The class was fine, but the prof was nutty, and not in an Eddie-Murphy-in-a-Fat-Suit way.
See, what the tales forgotten to mention was that this professor was in the middle of a mid-semester meltdown. Nobody can fail until after finals, when they’re safe at home and away from those mean ol’ professors. They also left out the proportion where he basically told “You’ve failed! ” as a kind of middle finger to everyone around him. After being denied the opportunity to teach merely the best students at the school, the prof started mentally choreographing an “I Quit! ” tap number( we presume) and straight-up got the fuck out of Dodge.
Goddamn entitled Boomer snowflakes .
The professor sent an email to administrators letting them know the demonic students were “your problem now.” But the real problem they had was already solved; by the time he’d let loose on his class, he’d left his position.
University officials shrugged off their former colleague’s fading. They reiterated that no student had in fact failed, because that’s not even possible at that stage in the semester. The students were left utterly confused by their collective grade, which either vindicates or condemns the nutty professor’s attempted decision.
# 5. The Couple Travelling And Scrubbing Toilets Is Fine
Across the web, everyone from BuzzFeed to actual news outlets discovered a couple that was travelling the world, as young couples are wont to do, but also so broke that they were scrubbing hostel toilets in order to stay alive. “They deserve it, lol” the Internet replied in unison.
“That’ll teach ’em to not stay home and be miserable like the rest of us.”
The twist they all failed to mention was that the pair were not down on their luck one iota, and that the toilet scrubbing was an integral part of their globetrotting. Nothing had gone wrong in the slightest. In truth, everything used to go precisely to plan, poop and all. The headlines are acting as if this is some kind of unexpected failing on the part of irresponsible millennials who wanted to travel. Merely Uproxx looked into it and realized that scrubbing toilets was part of their plan.
They go from one pile of water to a much, much better one .
No, it wasn’t some kind of weird fetish, either. The couple in question booked their journey through Work Away, a programme designed that sets travelers up with food and lodging in exchange for performing volunteer work while they bide. In addition to clean toilets, they did other things — like rinsing dishes and cook for other people — to, get this, earn their keep .
One of the travelers, who wrote the original blog post which alerted the Internet to their escapades, said that they weren’t even bothered by the scrubbing. It was rewarding, and taught the pair about humility. Inadvertently, it also taught them that the Internet is still a young child who stops listening to the details once they hear “poo.”
# 4. Selfies Have Not Killed More People Than Sharks
Selfies, for the uninformed, are a relatively new phenomenon in which someone wants to be the subject of a portrait and doesn’t trust anyone but themselves with the build of that portrait. As a outcome, people are jeopardizing themselves in ways previous generations would have never thought possible.
With apologies to Frida Kahlo .
The amount of selfie-induced traumata prompted a couple of tabloids, USA Today, and Slate to inform us that more people are being killed by posing than by shark attacks. This is absolutely ridiculous. If death by selfie were turned into a movie, it’d likely be named Buttons instead of Jaws , which sounds more like a movie about a son and his dog thwarting a playground bully.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the duckface …
For starters, a shark is a direct cause of death. The shark ate the person or persons, and the person or persons died. If person tripped over their cat in the kitchen and landed on a knife, we would not say that they were killed by their cat. Selfies fall more in accordance with the latter situation. The selfie didn’t kill the person; members of the general situation did.
“Yes … blame the knife. Good.”
While we hate to get too technical, and people have definitely been killed and/ or mutilated taking selfies, we’re getting out of hand here. Lately, a human took a selfie at the Taj Mahal, one of the Selfie Wonders of the World. During the shoot, he fell down some stairs and died. The media decided to make this a tale in which he was killed by his selfie, but conveniently left open the fact that the true cause of death was a heart attack.
We wish there were a happy ending to that, but all we can think of is that at least he died in a tomb.
# 3. “Dumb Kid Blows Her College Fund! “( On College)
Managing a loan the size of the GDP of Nicaragua is a task that no sane financial advisor would ever hand off to an 18 -year-old, which is why millions of 18 -year-old Americans are able to borrow scaring sums of fund every year. When the poor children inevitably fail to pay things back, it merely feeds into the narrative that millennials are irresponsible and that we’re all doomed, may whatever gods there be save us from the Rapture, Amen.
“Lazy-ass children can’t even be bothered to take out a loan to pay off their loans anymore! ”
All across the web, from Fox News to Yahoo, it’s being reported that some ditzy millennial named Kim managed to blow the $90,000 that her grandparents had saved up for her, and then — get this — she had the audacity to point the finger at her parents for not helping her budget. How entitled she must be to expect lessons in responsibility from the people responsible for raising her.
She should’ve spend it on something sensible, like half a textbook .
What the headlines( which is apparently all millennials read, due to their low attention spans) forgotten to mention was that Kim was a college senior who had expended the $90,000 over the course of the past three years on tuition . When it comes down time to write the final checks, she was about $20,000 short.
Granted, Kim admits that she took a journey abroad( she claims as part of an educational program) and purchased clothes and other such things with the money, but it’s important to remember that this is $90,000 over the course of three years. Since tuition and living expenditures can range from $ 20,000 to $50,000 a year, it’s not totally unreasonable to believe that $30,000 per year was a tight budget.
What’s unreasonable was that she was reluctant to take part-time undertakings or loans to make up that difference, claiming that it would be embarrassing. Dammit Kim, we were trying to take your side here.
# 2. The “Young People Hate Buying Houses” Claim is Bogus
It’s likely a safe assumption that the overwhelming majority of people don’t want to be homeless. However, the current generation of people starting to enter the workforce — our sidekicks the millennials — seem to be bucking that common sense. If CNBC and The Atlantic are to be believed, the main reason is that millennials are just plain cheap.
Unless potato salad is involved .
Here’s the thing: Millennials aren’t hopping on trains and to intervene in the circus, or hanging out under bridges telling haunted narratives about their student loan officers. They’ve simply got other priorities. Most say that they want to own a home, but aren’t at a point in their lives where they can yet. While median salaries have remained approximately the same( adjusted for inflation ), house costs have spiked dramatically. As a outcome, it’s harder to make a down payment without a dual-income river, means that millennials are simply waiting until they’re married to make a house buy. And since millennials are waiting longer than the previous generation to get married, this leads to a delay in purchasing a home.
It’s millennials’ flaw for being too lazy to build a hour machine and live 45 years ago .
The Atlantic eventually published an update with the real facts, which showed that Gen-X’ers are the worst at home ownership. Guess about that the next time a Baby Boomer tells those damn kids to get off their lawn.
# 1. Dating Apps Aren’t Causing More STDs
Despite causing less face-to-face interaction than ever before, the increases in face-to-junk interaction thanks to dating apps like Tinder are leading people to claim that they’re behind a rise in STDs. How people are get gonorrhea through their telephone screens is beyond us, but it’s a credit to the telecommunications companies devoting couples that extra touch to their telephone sexuality. The next time you swipe right, remember to glove up.
“You got your Hepatitis B in my crabs! “
“No, you got your crabs in my Hepatitis B! ”
The thing is, it’s likely not true at all. The route people satisfy might be changing, but the route they transmit their gross goopy genital germs hasn’t. This didn’t stop Vice, The Daily Mail( missed you guys !), and Yahoo ! from inserting their own … dammit. They gave us the incorrect information.
BSTDs: Bullshit-Transmitted Disinformation .
The closest they got to real facts was some people they interviewed indicating that they met their partners through social media. Social media was merely one( altogether anecdotal) avenue through which relationships were formed( rather than destroyed ). “Experts” are “claiming” that there’s a link here, but none are studying, quantify, and/ or quantifying data, which is what experts are for .
They conveniently left out the fact that there are far more accurate reasons, such as unprotected sexuality, promiscuity, and having sexuality while intoxicated. All the legitimate data indicates is rising cases of STDs — specifically gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV. There’s a lot of casual sex, but not even a halfhearted attempt at a fling has been documented between dating apps and infections. All we really know is that we need to pay better attention to what kinds of things we’re letting get viral.
Read more: www.cracked.com