“My friend answered his doctor once by just saying ‘I go to an engineering school.’”
23. Infected Penis Wound
“So I was taking care of a guy who had an infected wound on his penis. He didn’t get it checked out right away, picked at it and tried to take care of it without having to see a doc, because of course that’s embarrassing to a lot of people. Finally he realized things were not going well and he ended up admitted to the hospital with a horrible wound. Bad enough a surgeon had to go in, remove some dead tissue, and we, the nurses, got to change the dressing twice a day. This wound was the type that had to have gauze placed in the wound bed, called “packing”. It’s painful and uncomfortable for patients no matter where the wound is, but you can imagine how this poor fellow felt about it.
He told his doc he wasn’t sexually active. So the first night I take care of him, as I’m doing the dressing change, I ask him if he has any questions. Eventually he’ll go home and have to do that himself, so while doing wound care I typically narrate what I’m doing and make sure patients can ask questions. Because of the nature of this wound, I had pre-medicated him with some IV narcotic, so he was a little loopy.
He tells me he just can’t figure out why he has this wound. So I start going through some standard questions. Do you have any other infected wounds, are you around anyone who has infected wounds. Come to discover, he had been regularly getting some hand jobs from a gal who was a meth head and who had some open wounds on her face and forearms. I told him that’s where he likely got it from, and he responded “but I wasn’t rubbing my dick on her arms or her face!”
So I said ‘no, but she probably touched or picked at those sores before she jerked you off. If she didn’t wash her hands well between touching her sores and giving you a hand job, she spread those germs to you.’ He had no clue. He had no idea he should have included this information in his sexual history, and he had no practical understanding of how germs are spread.
But please remember the entire scene. I’ve got this guy’s penis in my gloved hand, cleaning and packing this bad wound that doesn’t smell great, has a little yucky drainage, and I’m discussing jerking off and hand jobs. Im down within a foot or so of his penis, because his wound tunnels a bit and I’ve got to use a Q-tip and delicately stuff this gauze tape into a sensitive area. I’m a moderately attractive gal about his age. I wasn’t embarrassed, I’m a matter of fact sort of person and I wanted this guy to understand how to take care of himself and stay clean. He wasn’t embarrassed, he really wanted to understand and he was also high on fentanyl. But it was a little absurd and made me laugh in retrospect, because I assume most people don’t handle other people’s genitals or talk about hand jobs at work.”
24. A History Unlike Any Other
“‘Encyclopedic’ was the reluctant response a nurse friend once told me she received from the wife of a well known local Baptist minister. She was well into her 70’s and had recently celebrated her and her husband’s 50th wedding anniversary. When asked to clarify, she admitted to being unfaithful to her husband with over 1000 men, and several hundred women. Her most recent escapade had been the previous day.”
25. I Think Most Can Relate
“When I would donate plasma one question was ‘have you ever had sex in exchange for money or drugs?’ I replied ‘no just, attention.’ The nurse laughed so hard she had to excuse her self for a minute or too.”
26. The One Kind Of Birth Control That’s 100% Effective
“Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain:
ME:’Are you sexually active?’
ME: ‘Any chance you’re pregnant?’
HER: ‘Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant.’
ME: ‘Not all birth control is 100% effective.’
HER: ‘Mine is.’
ME: ‘What kind of birth control is it?’
27. “Not That Kind Of Discharge, Sir”
“Medical school in Philadelphia. I was in surgery clinic and going through the ‘review of systems’ and like any good med student covering every system possible as I was seeing this 72 year old African American guy. ‘Any discharge from your penis sir?’ With a smile, he exclaims ‘Not in about 12 years!’ Took me half a second then I cracked up and said, ‘not that kind sir, but you’re hilarious.’”
28. You’re Obviously Miscarrying
“My friend called a nurse hotline because she was having horrible, horrible menstrual cramps.
‘You must be having a miscarriage,’ they said.
‘I really don’t think so.’ she replied.
‘Are you sexually active?’ they asked.
‘Yes, yes I am.’ she said.
‘Well, then you are obviously having a miscarriage.’ they insisted.
‘I’m a lesbian.’ replied my friend.
‘Oh. Well. Would you like to speak to one of our LGBT staff?’”
29. Outlook Favorable
“I gave a new gyno one of her favorite responses to ‘Currently sexually active?’ I had recently started seeing someone so we weren’t quite there yet so I said ‘Outlook favorable.’”
30. She Was Very Religious
“Not a nurse but I work in a hospital and this story was too great to pass up telling. so I watch cardiac monitors for a living. we had this 18-21 yr old female don’t remember exactly age. But she was in for asthma problems and we also watch O2. So apparently this girl was from a very religious family and told the nurses and doctors that no she was not sexually active and never has been. She was going to a local college and was brought in by someone who we were told was her ‘cousin’.
She gets admitted. About 230 in the morning her heart rate goes up to like the 150s- 160s and her O2 us at like 85% (that’s really bad for a anyone when they are supposed to be asleep and at rest). So I get up and run to go check on the patient turns out her cousin stayed the night. So here I come bursting into this room with like two nurses while this girl is like eyeballs deep on her ‘cousin’s’ penis and when the door bursts open and the lights go on he got startled jumped forward and causes her to immediately vomit all over him. I turn to the nurses and say ‘well at least it wasn’t a cardiac event’ and leave so I could fall to the floor laughing. And I believe the she checked out soon after that.”
31. How Do You Make The Sex?
“I worked in an infertility clinic. We had a young couple who came to the clinic to get pregnant. We could not find a cause for their infertility: both were young and in text book perfect health. We brought them in to give them the test results (all infertility investigations were normal) and to give them the treatment plan. The nurse saw them first and came out with an odd look. She said ‘just trust me on this, but you need to go tell them about the birds and the bees’ I was all WTF and she said ‘it’s just a gut feeling I have.’ So I did. I prefaced my talk by saying ‘I’m going to tell you some information. Please save your questions till I’m done.’ Then I gave them detailed and explicit instructions on what they needed to do to do it. Both looked shocked at first, then deeply embarrassed. Neither met my eye and both left the clinic without another word. Next visit: pregnant. I do not know what they were doing to this day but all’s well that ends well.”
32. Well, There It Is
“I had to ask an 80 yr old patient about her form of birth control. Her answer: my age.”
33. “Feeding The Baby”
“My wife was working her OB/GYN rotation when a pregnant woman, who already had three kids and a master’s degree in something, quietly asked the doctor after her husband had left: ‘Dr. my husband tells me that when we’re, y’know, intimate, that he’s feeding the baby. I feel stupid for asking, but is that true?’
The doc must have really ruined that husband’s life. I just imagine the husband using this line: ‘Well, honey, I don’t wanna do it anymore than you do, but we gotta feed that baby.’”
34. The Hairbrush
“As a student, I was working in a rural underserved community hospital and had a 13 year old patient come in with her mom for ‘vaginal smell’ which she said people noticed at school. I then preceded to ask about sexual history (patient gave me permission to ask in front of parent). I asked if she was sexually active and she said ‘no.. well with my hair brush.’
Mom seemed to have been well aware of this and then began describing her daughters vaginal smell as well as discharge in great detail.”
35. Mishearing The Question
“Ex girlfriend got sprained ankle playing soccer, got asked if she was sexually active at hospital, except she didn’t hear the ‘sexually’ part, so she thought she was asked ‘are you active?’ She answered, ‘of course I’m active, how do you think I hurt my ankle?’”
36. Doctor Pity
“I recently went to the doctor. She was a rather young female doctor, likely late 30’s. I’m 24. She asked me if I was sexually active, and I told her no, and that’ I’ve never had sex. She proceeded to give me the look my mom used to give me when I was a kid, when I used to fall on my ass pretending to be Superman around the house. That look of pity, mixed with a little bit of amusement.
It didn’t help that she began telling me (instead reminding me of what precautions I should take or the benefits of safe sex, which would’ve been the safe thing to do), how surprised she was someone like me went through all of college not having sex, how she greatly admires my ability to remain abstinent, how I will definitely lose it to a nice girl someday, and that more guys need to be like me.
Yeah, as if that look she gave me before she said all that wasn’t awkward enough.”
37. A Strong Argument For Sex Ed
“(Mother is Nurse. This was her answer) A man in his mid 20’s came to the hospital ER with several complaints (she can’t recall exactly what they were but they called for inquiring about sexual history). She asked if he had ever been diagnosed with an STD and he said ‘No’. She asked him if he was on any medication and he said ‘No’. She went on to prepare to draw his blood and she typically doesn’t put on gloves until she’s ready to insert the needle bc bare fingers make it easier to feel veins. He then says “I hope you’re going to wear gloves. I was diagnosed with HIV a few months back. One night stand.”
At first she thought he was nervous about needles and making bad jokes to compensate (very common) but when she looked at him he was dead serious. She said ‘You told me you’d never been diagnosed with an STD’ to which he replied ‘I have HIV, not STD!’
My mother decided it was the doc’s job to explain that one, but then asked ‘You said you weren’t on any medications, but your doctor must have you on meds for the HIV, right?’ His response? ‘Well I was for a few weeks but they made me feel sick. I’m waiting until I feel sick from the HIV before I go back on them.’
As unprofessional as it was my mother instinctively rolled her eyes bc she just didn’t know where to even begin with this guy. Before going to fetch the doctor she asked one more question, ‘Are you using protection every time you have sex?’ Response ‘Yup. Last 2 girls I slept with were on the pill. I’m not stupid, I don’t want a baby with HIV.’
Needless to say the doctor had a LONG, basic sex-ed talk with him and my mother spent almost an hour on the phone with the Health Dept just trying to convince them this guy was for real and getting them the info they needed to inform his poor partners.”
38. A Good Story Is Born
“I had my family GP ask me (about 16) if I was sexually active while in the middle of giving me a testicular exam. I responded with ‘depends, does this count?’
He laughed really hard, my balls still in hand. He finished up, went outside, and I immediately heard him telling all of the nurses.”
39. Just Really Gross
“I was working at a public urgent care clinic in a lower income area and had a guy tell me he had a vacation in the Philippines that was basically a gay sex vacation with prostitutes.
His main issue was that since then he had experienced a ‘tickling’ sensation over his butt hole and I sort of dismissed the guy as crazy in my head just by his mannerisms and dress.
Sure enough, he said that he read it could be pinworm which can be diagnosed by placing a piece of scotch tape on the anus and seeing what sticks to it.
Guess what happened next? He pulled the tape out of his pocket and there were dead worms, pubes and ‘stuff’ on it. That was a horrible but memorable patient encounter.”
40. The Next Thing You Know…
“There was this husband and wife combo in the exam room for an STD complaint. Taking the history from the husband I had to ask how he contracted the possible disease. He goes, ‘It was the funniest thing. I was getting a massage then the next thing you know this guy is fucking me in the ass.’ The wife left the room she was so angry, I took my note and left.”
41. The Cocaine May Have Still Been In His System
“Emergency nurse here. Most favorite happened only a few weeks ago. A very good looking clean man in a suit came in with a 10inch dildo up his butt. Like very high up his rectum. It was one of those dildos with a ball sack attached and this guy has the whole thing even the balls up there….. It seems him and his girlfriend took a shit ton of cocaine then decided to ‘play’. I had to ask him why it seemed like a good idea to put it there and his response was “it was like everest the attempt had to be made for the good of man kind”. The cocaine might still have been in his system. Anyway I learnt lots of this that day such as silicone can be seen on x-ray and the inside of the rectum is negative pressure. The doctor could get his hand up there but the pressure he couldn’t actually pull it out….. Few enemas and pushing later it was far enough down that the doctor could help this man give his to a bright neon blue ‘baby.’”
42. Sexual History Revealed
“I went to an Urgent Care once with my girlfriend (now ex) and since we both had the same sore throat we just sat in on each other’s appointments. Midway through the nurse pulled me into the hallway and told me she had come in with a different guy the day before getting treatment for scabies. It was true. She had been cheating on me and got busted by the nurse.”
43. Mom Jokes
“While trying to diagnose abdominal pain-
‘Any risky sexual behavior?’
‘Ma’am I’m 25 and I have 2 kids, I consider any sex quite risky.’”
44. Grandpa’s Still Got It
“Not a nurse, but used to work at a hospital. Best I ever heard was:
‘Tell me about your sexual history.’ ‘Well, I’ve never been great at history, but I’m picking up some sexual in this room.’
Doctor was a cute, mid 20’s female, patient was an almost 80 year old man. It was creepy, awesome, and hilarious all at once.”
45. A Blatant Liar
“Syphilis story time! Pull up a chair, kids.
Guy (ostensibly straight, married, monogamous) comes to clinic with his very upset wife. He has braces on his teeth. His orthodontist saw him earlier in the week for some concerning oral lesions. I give the orthodontist lots of credit here: he was the one who tested the patient for syphilis in the first place, and bingo, came up positive.
Now, syphilis does not come from the syphilis fairy. It’s transmitted through sex (or being born to someone with syphilis), and requires contact with the contagious lesions (chancre in the primary stage, or oral/genital lesions in the secondary stage). This guy’s mouth lesions are what are known as mucous patches. He also had a healing chancre in his mouth. The chancre forms at the place where the syphilis bacteria enters the body. So, pretty clearly, guy contracted this during oral sex that he performed on somebody.
Where we live, syphilis is found almost exclusively among men who have sex with men. Like, almost zero cases here in people who have vaginas. So I highly doubt that dude got this from his wife (who is also swearing she has no other sexual partners, and by the fact that she is bawling and very angry at her husband, I am quite inclined to believe her). Basically, I see no way in my medical judgment that dude could get this from anything besides sucking dick.
But we always ask a thorough history, so instead of writing him off as a down-low dude who is cheating on his wife, I ask him:
‘Sir, can you tell me how you got syphilis?’
What I get next I could not make up, not ever, no matter how hard I might try.
Dude tells me that one night he is riding the bus home from work. He’s minding his own business when a group of teenagers on the bus proceed to start shit with him. Calling him names, inviting him to fight them, etc. My patient feels that it’s relevant to tell me what race the kids are (clearly not the same race he is, and he needs to tell me this several times). Apparently the situation with the teenagers escalates and they stand up and approach him. One of the kids gets up in his face…
And kisses him.
Not punches him, not spits on him, and definitely not sticks his dick in Guy’s mouth. Just kisses him, and runs off the bus.
Now, unless this kiss lasted a looooooong time, and his alleged assailant sucked on his lips for a good chunk of time, there is no fucking way this is how dude contracted syphilis.
But as a health care provider, my job is to ally with my patient and to provide him with care. So I hold my tongue, resist the urge to tell this guy that he is a blatant fucking liar, and provide him with the appropriate course of treatment for his syphilis. Oh, and test him for everything else, because I don’t trust this motherfucker AT ALL. And apparently he thinks I am stupid too, because he told me this story in full.
Did I mention that his wife is trying to get pregnant with him? And they’ve been having sex regularly since the time he got infected? And now she also has syphilis?
I don’t know what happened with the two of them, but I sure hope she left him. He’s a piece of shit.
Anyway. I’m poly and queer myself, and I have absolutely no problem, personally, with someone having multiple partners of any gender. My problem here is the fact dude is lying. To his wife as well as to his healthcare provider. Sigh.
There you have it. My best story about STDs!”
46. The Love Board
“I had a very large woman that had a slivers of wood in her skin that were starting to get infected and when asked about the slivers, she replied ‘That is from my love board.’
‘What is a love board?’ I asked…
‘That is the board that my husband uses to push up my fat so that we can have sex.’
47. The Two Bottle Rule
“Obligatory “not me but” (I was in the room). GF goes in for intestinal pain. Very patient middle-aged Doc asks standard questions:
‘Sexually active?’ – GF: Yep ‘Frequently’ – GF: Yep ‘ok…Anal sex?’ GF: ‘After two bottles of wine Doc anything goes.’
Laughs ensue. If he was white I’d say the doctor was blushing.”
48. Doc Disapproves
“Worst joke I ever made during a physical exam for football:
Doctor: ‘What’s your sexual history?’
Me: ‘Mostly 5’s and 6’s. I had a 7 once.’
He did not laugh. He just looked at me with a frown.”
49. Rough TP
“Guy comes into the ED complaining of rectal bleeding. Pretty standard. I get blood from him and assist the doc as he performs a rectal exam. Doc doesn’t notice any hemorrhoids but notes some light tearing typical with a patient wiping too hard. Tells the patient to chill out on the TP. Patient responds, ‘Yea, my TP is pretty rough.’
A few hours later the patient has a male visitor. I introduce myself and ask who the visitor is and how he knows the patient. Patient looks at me and says, ‘This is the TP I was telling you about earlier.’
Took me a minute to understand what he was saying, then had to excuse myself from the room as I could no longer remain professional.”
50. Old People Are The Sauciest
“Nursing student here. My new all time favorite happened earlier today when I asked a new 92 year old man the dreaded question.
‘So sir, as these questions are generic to each patient I have to ask: Do you have any worries about your sexuality?’
To which he replied: ‘Yeah, I don’t get enough of the sex part.’
The look on his wife’s face was priceless.”