Entertainment sites are facing a serious problem: There’s a limited number of things that happen every day, but their readers will click on an infinite quantity of articles, as long as someone or something vaguely famous is involved. The solution? Follow the grand Internet tradition of making shit up. Publish a headline telling “Bill Murray killed and ate Miley Cyrus! ” and watch as it gets 100,000 shares before either of their publicists can deny it.
Now, all of us have fallen for tales like these in the past, but there are some especially egregious types of bullshit articles that should really be defining off our hogwash alarms by now. Starting with …
# 5. Stop Saying The Simpsons Predicted Stuff
The Internet is 80 percent porn, 70 percent fanfic on Tumblr, and 90 percent inaccurate statistics. Whatever’s left is made out of bullshit listicles about how some old Simpsons episode predicted today’s events. Apparently, they foresaw Donald Trump: Angry Half-Chewed Orange Starburst For President 15 years before it happened 😛 TAGEND They also predicted that Lisa would be an adult by 2010, so …
But before you go proclaiming Matt Groening “King of the Psychic, ” consider this: That episode aired in 2000. Guess what lying, hypocritical moron announced he’d be running for President in 2000? No no, the other one. Yes, Trump said he’d run for President under the Reform Party in 2000( and had been talking about it since 1987 ), entailing The Simpsons predicted precisely squat. And as far as them “predicting” that President Trump would destroy the country … duhhhh . That’s like predicting grass is likely to be green, or that a nappy will be loaded with shit.
Can anthropomorphic loaded diapers even legally run for president ? And we do this all. The. Fucking. Time . Unless some fat yellow dude destroys an entire city by pressing the incorrect button at the power plant, it’s no big deal if real life mimics The Simpsons . It’s a topical display with damn near 600 episodes under its quarter-century-old belt. Of course there’s going to be overlap with reality — which hasn’t stopped sites like BuzzFeed from marveling over the issues. Let’s review their mind-blowing discoveries 😛 TAGEND
So the Simpsons made an irradiated food gag, and now Japan’s got irradiated fruit? That’s not a new idea. If anything, the vegetation around Chernobyl predicted The Simpsons . Oh, and the deformed Japanese veggies were bullshit anyway. Off to a good start, BuzzFeed!
OK. So. In 2004, a bunch of Ohio voting machines glitched and accidentally dedicated George W. Bush 4,000 extra referendums. In 2008, the Simpsons satirized that incident. In 2012, it happened again for real. And that’s supposed to be a score for Homer and friends how ? Just because your memory was crippled by all those ‘9 0s nostalgia GIF parades doesn’t mean that the past suddenly didn’t happen, BuzzFeed.
This is probably the closest one: They successfully predicted that somebody who works with wild animals would eventually get attacked by one. Impressive. What’s next, claiming that The Simpsons predicted baseball players playing softball?
# 4. People Need To Chill About Idris Elba Playing James Bond
Eventually, Daniel Craig will stop being James Bond. And in spite of the fact that he’s a altogether outdated character, tradition dictates that we’ll require a new one. One of the top names being bandied about is Idris Elba, who deviates from the Bond norm in one glaringly obvious style …
“The world isn’t ready for a Bond with facial hair. Sorry.”
OK, there’s also the race thing, an issue which Bond novelist Anthony Horowitz dealt with in the worst possible style. In an interview with The Daily Mail, he claimed that Elba would suck as Bond because he’s “too street.” The Internet responded by figuratively painting Horowitz’s naked body gold and leaving him to asphyxiate.
Most is no more than scandalized to find out there are still Bond books, though( or books in general ).
First off, this quote came from The Daily Mail, so rage-sharing “its like” raging over something the bad guy told at WrestleMania. Even worse, all these headlines conveniently ignore where he named other black actors he’d favor play Bond . Everybody’s focused on “too rough” and “too street, ” while see-no-eviling the proportion where he recommended Hustle ‘s Adrian Lester instead.
There’s still a race issue at play here, of course — but not in the overt, simplistic style that everybody seeing red took it as. It’s deciding that black actors, who have proven their ability to play both suave and rough with equal tenacity, should only be one thing. Horowitz is typecasting Elba as a rough, street black human, and Lester as a suave, classy black human, and won’t let them sit at each other’s table. And nobody’s talking about this except … The Huffington Post? Really ? Dear Internet: When BuzzFeed-Minus-Cat-GIFs is the voice of reason, it might be time to pay attention and rethink things. Both because they’re right on the money, and because it’ll probably never happen again .
Ex-Bond Roger Moore got in similar hot water lately, accused of resisting Elba Bond over blackness. Moore himself had to clarify that he only told Bond should be 100 percent “English-English” — his interviewer afterward edited it so it seemed like he was talking about Elba. But you know what? When Elba eventually becomes Bond and blows everyone out of their seats, all this ridiculous talk of race, class, and who’s street and who’s not will disappear. Because it’s the performance that matters , not the-
Wait … it was all a rumor? He’s NOT going to be Bond? There was ever even talks of him being Bond , nothing but Daniel Craig dream-casting off the top of his head? We got all worked up over that ? FUCK .
# 3. Every Celebrity Death Hoax Comes From The Same Source: Your Idiot Friends
The world lost the best/ worst parent in movie history last August when James Earl Jones sadly passed away, according to the Internet. The only person who didn’t hear the news was James Earl Jones, who is still tweeting like normal. Yeah, it was another celebrity death hoax. So what happened? What crapbag news site yellow-journalism’d a beloved celebrity to an early tomb this period?
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooot dead yet, guys.”
None, as it turns out. The source is us. We fake-killed James Earl Jones, the same way we’ve fake-killed every other celebrity since the working day of Netscape. We’re not merely part of the problem; we’re all of it .
The only source for Darth Vader’s voice reuniting with the Force was the Woodward-and-Bernstein-approved paragon of journalism called FeedNewz. But FeedNewz isn’t a fucking news site — its real name is prank.link, a content inventor where any random asshole can plug anybody’s name into the generator and create a fake news story about them. When people clicked on the “James Earl Jones dies” link to learn how an 84 -year-old man could possibly pass so suddenly, they got this instead 😛 TAGEND
“Also, his most famous line was ‘I quit on you when you cleared out of Detroit with Willie the Pimp‘ … from The Lion King . ”
GET IT? You supposed a thing happened, but it didn’t! Doesn’t that tickle-torture your rib? Here’s another knee-slapper: Justin Bieber was raped and killed in Las Vegas … except he wasn’t! How gullible you must be, to suppose people die.
Don’t fret, David Caruso is on the suit . But if FakeNewz voices too shady for your phony death requires, perhaps you’d favor a website that voices an awful plenty like a legitimate one? FakeAWish.com will kill any celebrity you like and report it under the name “Global Associated News, ” which is the biggest garbage of an official-sounding name since Dr. Phil first called himself “Dr.” Then there’s MSMBC.co, where you create a fake death story( like this one for Arnold Schwarzenegger) complete with a connection that appears exactly like MSNBC.com if you’re both blindly clicking on everything and actually blind. And when somebody clicks on it, they’re greeted not by a HAHA PWNED page, but a real-ish-looking news story that you can’t read until you share it with your distant uncle and that guy you haven’t talked to since college 😛 TAGEND Or with no one, if you go with the Google+ alternative .
Alternatively, if utilizing those sites is too much work, you can go with the absolute laziest alternative and create a “RIP[ celebrity name] ” Facebook page for someone who isn’t in fact RIPing … and then watch it grows inexplicably popular. Rowan ” Johnny English ” Atkinson, for example, has no fewer than two pre-posthumous Facebook pages, each with over 3,000 fans. For the sake of our species, we hope it’s simply the same 3,000 who fell for the same thing twice.
# 2. Stop Pretending Everyone’s Offended By Movies
Hey, recollect when those Native American actors walked off the decide of Adam Sandler’s new movie? It seems they were outraged over all the gross inaccuracies, blatant stereotyping, lazy jokes, and other things that have never, ever been in an Adam Sandler movie.
“We thought we were signing up for something more sophisticated, like a male deodorant ad.”
Notice how none of those headlines mention how many actors walked off the decide, connoting through omission that the number was “all of them”? Well, they did that for a reason: The real situation was style less volatile( and thus, more boring) than the hate-click media reported. According to one of the actors, only four out of 154 actors walked out, plus one consultant, leaving the remainder to feeling “betrayed” that they were being painted as “sell-outs” to the White Man. Oh, and the other performer says they all ensure the script beforehand, so those who quit probably should have find the terribleness coming, even if they haven’t been to a cinema since Big Daddy came out.
Precedent proves “pee-pee on your teepee” wasn’t about to become a metaphor . Then there’s Mad Max: Fury Road and the supposed shitstorm it caused among Men’s Rights Activists for daring to include females kicking ass 😛 TAGEND “Feminists started all the wars, ” one anonymous member told .
Makes sense, right? Newborns throw tantrums. MRAs are newborns, so they’re hurling tantrums. Except they weren’t. This entire story came from one blog post on We Hunted The Mammoth, which centered around the anti-Furiosa furor on Return Of Kings, a site so viciously anti-woman even Al Bundy would yell at them to grow the fuck up. But RoK isn’t a MRA site — just some random cootiephobes — and nowhere on Mammoth does it confuse the two. Every other site, desperate for traffic, did that.
Misogynists want her to grow hair and build newborns and sandwiches, while MRAs want her to
stop destroying masculinity. And to grow hair and build newborns and sandwiches . Did legitimate Men’s Rights Assbags abhor Fury Road ? Sure, because vagina. But they’re not virtually smart enough to organize some massive boycott of a film $375 million worth of people ensure anyway. Also, despite what leading MRA loudmouths fantasize about while jerking off with mini-tweezers , nobody was “paid to put[ an MRA boycott story] in the press.” It was lazy and biased, adjectives with which MRAs should be plenty familiar. And eventually, we have the time the Noah movie hurled every Christian into a hateful tizzy 😛 TAGEND That’s a plenty of cheek not-turning .
A survey of over 5,000 people determined a whopping 98 percent were tut-tutting the movie for bastardizing the Bible. One problem: That survey focused on “faith-driven consumers, ” and was organized by an ultra-religious group called … FAITH DRIVEN CONSUMER. They recommend boycotts of anything that disagrees with their interpreting of the Bible, and are the same company behind IStandWithPhil, a petition to reinstate that homophobic guy from Duck Dynasty . Even Family Feud surveys like “Name a body proportion that rhymes with ‘eenis'” aren’t that obviously slanted.
# 1. Nope, That Actor Didn’t Confirm A Sequel To That Movie
You know how we’ve dumbed down “literally” and “irony” so morons can feel literate too? “I literally eat an entire swine yesterday, and ironically, I literally eat an entire swine today, too! ” We’re doing that crap with “confirm” now. Where once it meant “official news from an official source, ” it now entails “anybody saying anything about anything.”
Like these constant breach news tales about a celebrity “confirming” a sequel to some film, when it turns out all they genuinely told was “yeah it’d be cool to do that maybe.” Lately, the Internet went bonkers over Keanu Reeves supposedly saying that Speed 3 was going to happen 😛 TAGEND The biggest question now is: Which of the e’s will they replace with a 3 ?
But no, Speed 3 isn’t happening, for two reasons. Number one: Speed 2 . Number two: Keanu was making a goddamn gag. Some reporter asked him about Speed 3 , and he told, “Oh my god, Speed 3: Redemption . Sure. Jack Traven various kinds of like, dusting it off.” That’s sarcasm, folks — another word we’ve dumbed down because nobody can get it right.
Granted, it can be hard to tell with this guy .
Even SlashFilm acknowledges( at the end, when everybody’s stopped reading) that this is probably a non-story, writing “I’m not sure I take the affirmative answer that seriously, but he said it and it’s our job to tell you what he said.” It’s also your job to cleverly edit your headlines so overexcited Speed demons click and share your gossip without a second thought, it would seem.
Ewan McGregor ran into this too, with headlines screaming about how he’d be down with doing Trainspotting 2 , even though it’s absolutely not happening.
How old is the ceiling baby now, anyway ?
Good God, three paragraphs in, the man admits “I’ve not find a script yet and I don’t know if there is one.” And yet People reported this anyway. You might as well report on him debating whether to order pizza or Chinese food.
Even Beetlejuice 2 isn’t as done a deal as the headlines make it seem 😛 TAGEND Michael Keaton better start practicing his surf moves .
This “confirmation” was her going on Seth Meyers and yammering, “Um, I think I can confirm it, because Tim Burton did this interview — like, it was very hush-hush, top secret … and then he was doing some press for Big Eyes and he did an on-camera interview and he told, ‘Oh yeah, we’re doing it and Winona’s going to be in it, ‘ and I was like[ shocked face ]. “
And we were like[ unimpressed face ]. Until some studio gives us an official release date( like Universal lately did with Jurassic World 2 ), Beetlejuice 2: At Least Lydia’s Legal This Time is nothing but actors talking.
But boy do we love when actors talk — we’ll believe anything they say, even when it’s so obviously a stupid gag. Like Michael Shannon saying he would return as General Zod for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice , but with flipper hands 😛 TAGEND That’s almost as silly as the name of the movie . Notice how none of those headlines say “flipper hands”? That’s because even the writers know it’s bollocks, but they are continuing wishes to suck you in and get your clicks, so they tease you “new details” and “strange change.” Except according to Shannon himself, Zod is stone dead, he only appears via voiceover, and the flipper thing was him being a silly goose 😛 TAGEND A Batman story starring a guy with flippers? That’s preposterous .
Welcome to the Internet, Shannon, where you can’t believe everything “youre reading”, except for that one thing you’re about to share with your buddies. That thing? Totally believable.
Read more: www.cracked.com