Love or hate Facebook, you’ve got to hate Facebook.
Though a lonely few may have closed their accounts and joined the Facebook #resistance, nearly all of us are tied to the platform in some way or another. If we’re going to survive out there, there’s two things we need to do: 1.) Pressure them to eliminate fake news or otherwise lose our country to authoritarianism, lol; and 2.) Get rid of certain types of highly annoying Facebook posts, which just refuse to die.
Below is a list of types of Facebook posts you’ve likely been witness to, and would love to see disappear, in 2017. If you’re responsible for one of the following posts, it’s okay, you’re not alone we’re just asking you to do a little bit better and PLEASE STOP.
1. The food video post that is going to give you Diabetes Type II
Chicken Alfredo Pizza Serving 8 INGREDIENTS 1 pizza dough 3 tablespoons alfredo sauce cup mozzarella cheese cup cooked chicken 1 cubed roma tomato PREPARATION 1. Preheat oven to 450F/230C. 2. Roll out dough to about 10 – 12 inches in diameter. 3. Top pizza with alfredo sauce, chicken, and tomatoes. 4. Bake in oven for 15-20 minutes, or until crust is crispy and cheese is melted and 5. turning golden brown. 6. Garnish with parsley and cut into 8 slices. 7. Enjoy!
Listen, it’s not like Mashable hasn’t produced their own share of sat fat stories. But how many slow-motion chicken alfredo videos can you watch before your arteries finally collapse into a pile of tears.
2. The post from the person who “doesn’t like to talk about politics on Facebook” who is actually always talking about politics on Facebook
There is nothing worse than apathy, and discussing politics is critical to a healthy democracy. So please don’t pretend like you’ve been “forced” into talking about politics like it’s some great chore, when silence is dangerous, and when you’ve probably already been talking about it anyway.
3. The wedding photo series posts that feature 1,000 barely differentiable photos of the couple on a small wooden bridge
Since when does eternal love equate with crappy public park bridges that could will definitely collapse at any second?
4. The post that celebrates all the “sh*tty people” the poster just defriended for their “personal sanity” and “how good that feels”
Listen, we get it. Everyone’s terrible. But it’s kind of weird to ask us all to applaud your social media purge, like it’s some kind of humanitarian achievement.
5. The birthday post thanking everyone for wishing them a Happy Birthday when many completely forgot to post even the bare minimum “HBD” on the poster’s wall
Sure, there’s nothing malicious in this post. But it really makes the rest of us feel bad when we discover that we didn’t care enough about you to type three letters on your Facebook wall.
6. The posts that say “If only so-and-so had won the primary, Trump would have president.”
But they didn’t, and it’s simultaneously sad and unproven and there’s nothing people can do to change it. Right now, American democracy is on the verge of collapse. So what are you going to do about it, outside of sharing some story on Facebook that you probably didn’t even read?
7. The posts that announce someone’s departure from Facebook “for a little while” because it’s gotten too “emotional fill-in-the-blank.”
Ahh, when someone punishes a billion dollar social platform by going off it for seven days max.
8. The Facebook post that they also featured on Twitter and Instagram, then screenshotted for Snapchat, because that’s how good they think it is
9. The hilarious “elf in the hat” Facebook post shared on the same day a historic tragedy of unconscionable proportions is taking place
People don’t need a little “laughter” right now, what they need is the truth.
10. The posts announcing that if “Trump does so-and-so, I’m moving to Canada”
Totally understandable. But approximately say, three people have followed through on that threat in the past two hundred years it’s been said.
11. The posts sharing stories that blatantly come from a fake news site in Russia because apparently no one cares about facts anymore
Nick Wing (@nickpwing) December 5, 2016
Note: If the site has a border of American Eagle GIFs, it’s probably not reputable.
12. The new Facebook profile photo posts that are actually just screenshots of the pretty Snapchat selfie
The decline and fall of the American selfie.
13. The pregnancy announcement Facebook post that features an inscrutable, black and white sonogram of a blob
Give that blob a smile and at least one eye, then you can post.
14. The wedding announcement Facebook post where the poster says they’re marrying their “best friend”
You are not living in a Hugh Grant movie. And trust me, you don’t want to be living in one, either.
15. The Facebook post where a person asks a question that could honestly be Googled
The only thing lazier than Googling is this.