This just in: Print isn’t dead! And people are still making the mistake of hitting Reply All on email chains when they really shouldn’t! Oh, and even the new new media of WikiLeaks is releasing doctored information created by biased sources! On today’s edition of The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Sameoh, no, wait. That’s a different column altogether. This is the one where we share the highlights of the last seven days’ worth of world wide webbery with you. Well then, we might as well get started.
What Happened: Let’s say you’re a dude who wants to talk to a woman, but she’s wearing headphones. What do you do? Those who picked “Look to the Internet for advice,” try again.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: Pro tip: Any website calling itself The Modern Man that promises “to make women feel INTENSE attraction to you even if you’re not tall, rich or handsome” is something that should be at the very least treated as suspicious and given inordinate amounts of side-eye. Especially when said site includes a tutorial on “How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones” that begins “if a woman wearing headphones is single and hoping to meet a boyfriend (or even a new lover), she will usually be happy to take off her headphones to give you an opportunity to create a spark with her.”
Although the websiteand, in fact, the articleare a couple of years old by now, this week, Twitter discovered the advice and felt the need to respond as only Twitter can.
How to approach women who wear headphones:
1) Get in the bin
2) Set the bin on fire
3) Roll the bin away from the woman
4) Towards the sea
— David Jackmanson (@djackmanson) August 29, 2016
HOW TO TALK TO A WOMAN WEARING HEADPHONES:
– Walk in front of her
– Wear a smile
– Continue walking
– Jump into, and remain within, a well
— Jane Showalter (@heymermaid) August 29, 2016
How to speak to a woman wearing headphones:
1. Become a popular recording artist who produces content she will elect to listen to
— Good Account (@SortaBad) August 30, 2016
how to talk to a woman with headphones: look within yourself to find something lovable and interesting. see there is nothing. despair
— Noelle Stevenson (@Gingerhazing) August 30, 2016
Although, it seems, not everyone seems to agree.
The Takeaway: What if this is just the start of a trend?
If you liked "How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones" you might also like "How to Snag a Woman With a Butterfly Net & Some Bugles"
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 31, 2016
Drake and Rihanna: Which One’s Ross and Which One’s Rachel?
What Happened: You know, if two celebrity millionaires can find much-publicized love with each other in this cynical world, maybe there’s hope for the rest of us.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: Oh, Drake! You bared your soul for the world at the MTV Video Music Awards, declaring your love for Rihanna, and what did you get in return? A swerve and a cheek kiss, leading to what was undoubtedly the most viral moment of the entire evening, if the coverage is any guide. Almost immediately thereafter, stories started circulating about the history of Drake’s seemingly unrequited crush on Rihanna. Was this the new tragic love story that the world was waiting for?!
Drake looks at Rihanna the way I look at a menu
— carly aquilino (@carlyaquilino) August 29, 2016
Drake: I've been in love w/u since I was 22
Drake: don't u know me? Google me
Drake: chechu bonelli says I'm cute
— sopita (@Okbesos) August 29, 2016
I want that love that Drake has for Rihanna or the one Kanye has for Kim.
— TRAVIS++ (@trvxrbs) August 29, 2016
Soon after the VMAs, a new site—DrakeandRihanna.com—popped up and got people very excited about what was coming (an album? a wedding?). That, however, turned out to be a hoax. But then everything started to come into focus, with an anonymous source telling ET that the pair was definitely dating. Then they kissed onstage and the Internet lost its mind:
YOU CAN SEE IT BETTER HERE pic.twitter.com/VuRMnczIPH
— emma (@robynsfenti) September 1, 2016
— wall flower (@Rih_Anya) September 1, 2016
I saw Drake kiss Rihanna and my life is pretty much complete
— (@Cici__xo) September 1, 2016
Ain’t love grand?
The Takeaway: Look, it’s definitely real because Rihanna got a tattoo. That’s definitely proof that everything is going to turn out well.
Garrison Kiellor: Not a Trump Guy
What Happened: Think Prairie Home Companion host Garrison Kiellor is a nice guy? Think again. He’s not so polite when it comes to presidential candidates.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter, media reports
What Really Happened: You probably know Garrison Keillor as the creator and former host of public radio’s A Prairie Home Companion, on which he told heartwarming tales of the fictional Lake Woebegona place where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above-average. Genial and good-mannered, Keillor has always seemed like a man with a particular kindness in his heart for everyone. Or, as it turns out, everyone who isn’t Donald Trump.
On Thursday, Keillor published an open letter to the Republican presidential nominee that was, to be blunt, surprisingly scathing. Titled “When this is over, you will have nothing that you want,” the piece started with no uncertain terms: “The cap does not look good on you, it’s a duffer’s cap, and when you come to the microphone, you look like the warm-up guy, the guy who announces the license number of the car left in the parking lot, doors locked, lights on, motor running,” it opens. “The brim shadows your face, which gives a sinister look, as if you’d come to town to announce the closing of the pulp factory. Your eyes look dead and your scowl does not suggest American greatness so much as American indigestion.”
Twitter was similarly thrown into discussion, with Keillor becoming a trending topic on the service for the first time in… well, possibly ever:
Garrison Keillor is the humorist to emulate. Cap doffed. https://t.co/wePhlAexf0
— Nick Offerman (@Nick_Offerman) September 1, 2016
Garrison Keillor's literary equivalent of a drag queen removing her earrings & asking the bouncer to hold her purse: https://t.co/CxUHq228uK
— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) September 2, 2016
Little known fact: Garrison Keillor is 6 foot 4 inches of acid. https://t.co/5sBZh7oigq
— john (@krylon) September 2, 2016
"Running for president is your last bid for the respect of Manhattan." Garrison Keillor pulling no punches. https://t.co/kwTdzlh6rQ
— Rishi Iyengar (@Iyengarish) September 2, 2016
If only Keillor was still hosting Prairie Home Companion. The next season of the show would be its most popular yet.
The Takeaway: To put things in perspective about how unexpected the sudden trumpeting of Keillor is, we turn to our special correspondent…
People are so anti-Trump, they're backing Keillor.
— ben acker (@bnacker) September 1, 2016
What If Walking Dead Had More Cops?
What Happened: This week, Twitter figured out the formula behind most mainstream television drama.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: It all started with the revelation that The Walking Dead had almost ended up on NBC, with one small twist. “NBC then asked [original series showrunner Frank] Darabont if the show could be a procedural in which the two main protagonists would ‘solve a zombie crime of the week,’” the report explained. And then came another report about an upcoming television project which shared a common theme with the NBC/Walking Dead story. To wit: “The drama, which landed at Fox in a competitive situation with a script plus penalty commitment, reimagines the legendary stories of King Arthur in a police procedural.”
And thus, a meme was born. Twitter? You’ve got this, right?
"So I have this novel idea. [blank] but as a police procedural." https://t.co/Y3cGv5e6Aj
— the ardo (@ArdoOmer) August 31, 2016
Mother Goose — as a detective in a new US network television police procedural
— woke bae (@bradycanoe) August 31, 2016
TV pitch: THE FORGIVERER, the life of Jesus as a police procedural. "I am the Law… and I forgive you." "Do not forsake me!" Bang! Bang!
— Ian Sales (@ian_sales) August 31, 2016
Is there ANY concept the Networks wont try as a police procedural? Tarzan? Camelot? Talking dogs? Musicals? Nancy Drew? The devil? Robots?
— TTR- Morgan Z Sowell (@TheTableRound) August 31, 2016
Look, we’ve got nothing against police procedurals as long as there’s one uptight cop who plays by the rules and a maverick who manages to get things done, with the two slowly learning to respect each other’s approaches. Can we have one like
The Takeaway: Wait wait wait. We’ve got this exciting new pitch. Execs, are you ready?
A show about a team of network execs who turn every concept into a police procedural, only as a police procedural
— Cole Moore Odell (@ColeMooreOdell) September 1, 2016
What Happened: An astonishingly short prison sentence for a convicted rapist turned out to be even shorter than expected, and the Internet helped everyone understand just how short.
Where It Blew Up: Twitter
What Really Happened: Maybe you remember Brock Turner? He’s the the rapist who was was sentenced to a breathtakingly short six-month jail sentence, prompting the woman he’d assaulted to share a letter she’d written with the Internet. Well, on Friday, Turner walked out of jail just three months after he walked in.
Twitter helped anyone who was confused about the timeline put that into some kind of relatable perspective:
My cousin got a C+ in algebra and has been in summer school longer than Brock Turner has been in jail.
— Melissa Hunter (@melissaFTW) August 30, 2016
Three months. I've known people who did more than ten times that for selling dime bags of weed. https://t.co/ONPdeIuRxL
— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) August 30, 2016
Martha Stewart served more jail time than Stanford's Brock Turner https://t.co/cmCZP27skj
— USA TODAY (@USATODAY) September 2, 2016
Brock Turner, rapist, is scheduled to be released shortly.
I have friends caught with weed who served YEARS. This man served weeks.
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) September 2, 2016
The New York Daily News put more of the story into proper, horrifying context:
Brock Turner faced up to 14 years
Prosecutors asked for 6 years
Judge sentenced him to 6 months
He served 3 pic.twitter.com/PVAwPOjrrI
— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) September 2, 2016
The Takeaway: No jokes for this one; instead, we have to take small victories where we can find them for now:
To the man who yelled YOU LOSER at Brock Turner as he strolled out of jail, thank you.
— sai (@saibellanyc) September 2, 2016