This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
We’re taught to treat adulthood like it’s some instantaneous metamorphosis. One minute you’re a Slurpee-chugging teenager, and then BAM — something happens and now you’re asking the kind people of H&R Block about a Roth IRA. But in reality, nothing ever changed. You’re still that same kid suppressing cravings for sugar and red food coloring, except now you’re acutely aware of the risks of diabetes and saddled with student debt. Our point is that being an adult is an artificial construct, which is why the only way to truly be one is to fake it with lots and lots of stuff. With that in mind, we invite you to peruse the following with a furrowed brow and a paternal disposition.
1800 Series Bamboo Extra Soft 4-Piece Sheet Set
How can such ultra-stiff panda food be made into fabric? Easy. By smashing it into pulp, dissolving it with chemicals, and spinning it into fibers using complicated industrial manufacturing equipment. And probably at least a touch of panda magic. But it’s actually a good idea, and not just some what-if-we-did-this science nonsense. Since bamboo grows super quickly, these sheets are environmentally friendly as well as soft and breathable, so you can sleep extra soundly with your smug sense of self-righteousness. Yay, adulthood!
Nothing screams “mature” like deteriorating vision and an increase in middle of the night bathroom trips. The Shark Tank-featured Illumibowl is the perfect compliment to both of these … eh, we’ll call them “distinguished” … attributes of elderhood. This motion-activated, multicolored nightlight rests within your toilet bowl, guiding you to the throne in the middle of the night like the light at the end of the tunnel. Get the Illumibowl 2.0 here for $12.99.
Build-On Brick Mug
Look, we know we made a bit of hoopla about faking your way into adulthood, but just because your youth is over doesn’t mean your imagination has to die with it. This plastic chalice is covered in Lego-compatible studs and holes so you can turn your coffee mug into a spaceship covered in skeletons, or the individual heads of every character from Lord Of The Rings. Yes, we realize a mug made out Legos is a bit on the whimsical side, but throw a coaster under this bad boy and you’ll get more maturity points than any mug can buy you. Grab it here for $19.99.
Avocado Joy Slicer
Avocados are one of those foods that define adulthood. As a kid, you turn your nose up at them, but as an adult, they become a staple of every party you’ll ever throw — they’re basically “Dip 101.” But that tough skin and solid wood orb in the middle can be tough to digest. With this specialized slicing tool, you can cleanly separate the good parts and throw the rest in the mulch pile. The short serrated knife bifurcates (that’s the grown-up word for “cut”) the avocado, while the stainless steel scoop removes the pit, and a row of blades slices it up so you can scoop out the fatty goodness. Grab this Avocado Joy Slicer for $11.99. But if you REALLY want to dive into the grown-up world …
AvoSeedo Avocado Planter 3-Pack
If you can’t get enough of these wonderful baubles of solid guacamole, why not make them yourself? This planter lets you take care of your own baby avocado, minimizing the hassle of growing a whole tree by managing all of the germination and seed perforation. It allows you to focus on what’s really important: finding more ways to avocado. Pick up a three-pack of AvoSeedo planters for $19.99.
EcoQube C Aquarium
Aquariums and indoor plants make great additions to glass-walled mid-century modern homes and Cheetos-laden studio apartments alike. This EcoQube combines both in a single economical package. By using an aquaponic filter system that integrates plants like basil and mint, you never have to clean the filter, so you can be both classy and lazy. But above all else, never forget to brag about how it uses 50 percent less energy and 90 percent less water than comparable aquariums. Because that’s what adults do. Or at least, that’s what we’ve been told. Get the EcoQube C Aquarium for $99.99.
Bibb Home Down Alternative Microfiber Comforter
Every bed needs a blanket, but it’s probably for the best if it isn’t the same one you were swaddled in as an infant. You can keep your blankie for when you’re by your lonesome, but when you have company over, it’s probably best to pull out a comforter like a grown-ass adult. Made from soft microfiber and hypoallergenic polyester fill, it’s machine-washable in case you spill your SpaghettiOs. Grab the Bibb Home Down Alternative Microfiber Comforter for $39.99.
The Original Copper Pan
If there’s one thing that truly signals graduation from adolescence, it’s a fascination with objects made of copper. Pipe fittings, electrical wire, gutters, those mugs that Moscow mules come served in — copper is the shiny red marker of advanced physical and emotional development. But it’s also pretty nice to cook in, since it heats up real fast. This pan is made from a combination of copper and ceramic to provide an efficient nonstick cooking surface, allowing you to cook without butter, oil, or grease, which is the exact type of thing a health-minded adult such as yourself would want to avoid. Usually $39, pick up The Original Copper Pan for $19.99. And while you’re at it …
Copper Wire String Lights
We told you we love copper, and these copper string lights will illuminate your abode inside and out like it’s Christmas every day. The waterproof coating keeps them safe underwater or out in the weather, and the copper keeps them classy as hell. We’ve got your mood lighting taken care of. Just crank up the Marvin Gaye and you should be good to go. Get these Copper Wire String Lights for $21.99.
Smokeless Indoor Stovetop Grill
Not every living place is suitable for outdoor grilling, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying food the way it was meant to be eaten. Grilling is one of the true pleasures of adulthood, and this indoor grill just needs a stove to function. Achieve the perfect char without smoke, and catch drippings in its water-filled outer ring. Then laugh heartily and give your inner child the finger, for you now have ascended to the ranks of grown-up. Reduced from $48, pick up the Smokeless Indoor Stovetop Grill for $24.99.