The dirty dozen: 12 guys who deserve some holiday jeers

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Its the time of goodwill to all men but why? Better to continue the misanthropy and petty score-settling, which would be well directed at this bunch

Christmas is ostensibly the time of year where were all supposed to forgo our petty differences, our prejudices and our micro-aggressions to come together as one human race assuming you are Christian, well-to-do enough to afford presents and free of communicable disease. If you qualify in at least two of those three categories, you can be a part of our fun-time holiday jamboree!

That sense of good cheer and fellowship is great and all, but its fleeting and artificial. Why waste your time with a transitory moment of disingenuous kindness when you can double-down on the same misanthropy and petty score-settling that defines you the other 11 months of the year?

My relationship to Christmas is far less Hallmark Movie of the Week and more Richard Nixons enemies list. To me, this is a time to take stock of all the people who have wronged you in the last year, to reflect on their repugnance and plan for their eventual demise. In that spirit, here are the 12 biggest dicks of Christmas the dozen most reprehensible, unforgivable tools of the holiday season.

1. Martin Shkreli

Hoodie

Hoodie rat: Shkreli escorted by law enforcement agents after his arrest. Photograph: Craig Ruttle/AP

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, one dick a-sufferin. This month, the former pharmaceutical CEO who made headlines for artificially inflating the price of medication used by Aids patients has been arrested for fraud, fired, and humiliated on the internet. Nothing was more satisfying than seeing this weasel-faced doorknob dragged to jail by the string of his obnoxious hoodie, especially after he had the temerity to buy that rare Wu-Tang album just to further enrage the planet. If we could bring back waterboarding for this one special case, I think we could all finally get our closure.

2. The Bear from The Revenant

Ravaging

Ravaging Leonardo DiCaprio: a scene that cant be unseen. Photograph: 20th Century Fox

Remember when the internet collectively giggled like a delinquent teen high on whippets over the idea of a bear ravaging Leonardo DiCaprio? Boy, did we have a laugh over that one. For those of us who have sat up in bed wondering what it would be like to see a bear and Jack from Titanic become intimate with each other, it was like Christmas, New Years Day and a parole hearing all at the same time.

If youve actually seen this film, you know theres nothing funny about it. Or the other scenes in the movie. Or the commercials for soda pop before the movie. Or the next five days of your life. What that bear did to Leo can never be unseen and the United Nations should condemn his actions immediately, otherwise I urge fellow right-minded citizens to divest in all bear-related activity. That includes Yogi Bear, the Berenstain Bears, the Country Bear Jamboree, this bear who jumped into a garbage truck, John Goodman and the Chicago professional football team. The price of inaction is too high.

3. Donald Trump

What

What will he think about not being No 1? Photograph: Carlos Osorio/AP

If you dont know why Donald Trump is on this list, then let me congratulate you on your first day on the internet. Welcome to humankinds greatest achievement a massive repository for thousands of years of collected knowledge and a town square for the entire planet where all voices are equal. The porn is over that way.

4. Kylo Ren

Kylo

Kylo Ren: a sniveling space fascist. Photograph: Allstar/Disney/Lucasfilm

Adam Driver gives an excellent, believably tortured performance in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Bringing real complexity to a sniveling space fascist is no easy task, but he pulls it off memorably. Still, the character of Kylo Ren, this trilogys main antagonist, commits an act so heinous, so vile, in the film that he had to make this list. Out of respect for those who have not yet seen The Force Awakens (which must be about two of you at this point) I will not say what he does, but it was enough for me to throw a vicious temper tantrum outside the theater, something Kylo Ren (or, as I like to call him, Darth Morrissey) would surely be able to appreciate.

5. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell

Roger

Roger Goodell: The face of a soggy mop in a Waffle House bathroom. Photograph: Elsa/Getty Images

Ignore his colossal mishandling of Deflategate. Pretend that he actually did the right thing about CTE and traumatic brain injuries. Try your best to forget that he bungled the Ray Rice domestic violence case last year. Forget that he was probably instrumental in getting my old boss Bill Simmons suspended from Grantland.

Putting all that aside, the man resembles a frozen ginger tater tot. Sometimes I marvel that Andre the Giants thumb learned to talk, wear suits and cash gigantic cheques. In the movie Concussion the director cast Luke Wilson to play Goodell, presumably because he knew that using an actor that actually resembled Goodell, and therefore had the face of a soggy mop in a Waffle House bathroom, would drive audiences away in droves. Truly, I would rather have Steve Harvey as commissioner of the NFL than Goodell. At least Harvey knows how to apologize.

6. Nicolas Cage

Nicolas

Nicolas Cage: the man who has everything. Photograph: Fred Lee/ABC via Getty Images

The man bought a dinosaur skull. Heres a list of some other crap he purchased before he ran out of that sweet Con Air money. Items include a shark, some shrunken pygmy skulls, a Gulfstream jet and a pair of albino king cobras. I fear for the person who has to go Christmas shopping for Nic Cage. I mean, what do you get for the man who has everything, plus a shark and the Shah of Irans Lamborghini? Well, I guess a dinosaur skull, since he had to hand it over to the US Department of Homeland Security. I hope you can find dinosaur bones on Amazon that are Prime-eligible.

7. Literally every character on The Affair

The

The Affair: throw them in the Grand Canyon. Photograph: Showtime

The Affair is a television show in which an upper-middle-class twit seduces a lower-class waitress, then proceeds to ruin his life, her life, and everyone elses in the process. In the season two finale, we find out the character responsible for the turgid murder mystery on the periphery of the narrative. I wont spoil it for you because I get enough nasty emails as it is, but I will say that by the end of the season finale, you want to shove every single character in the same burlap sack where Nicolas Cage keeps his king cobras and throw the whole cursed lot into the Grand Canyon.

8. Odell Beckham Jr

Head

Head to head contact: OK in Beckhams book. Photograph: Brad Penner/USA Today Sports

This is my first season playing fantasy football, but Ive somehow found myself in the championship game of my league. What Ive learned so far is that fantasy is a tenuous balance between heavy research and blind luck. I could spend multiple hours poring over arcane stats, comparing data with friends, and consuming advice columns from experts and I still might lose because the most important aspect of the game is the one thing I cannot control: the actual sport of football. Fantasy is incredible fun and adds another wrinkle of excitement to football without the messiness of actual gambling (unless were talking about Fan Duel or Draft Kings daily fantasy leagues, which basically are a form of gambling) but its also total BS.

Case in point: Odell Beckham Jr. The standout New York Giants wide receiver got into a series of altercations with members of the Carolina Panthers during last Sundays contest. Rumors abound that Beckham was the subject of homophobic slurs (Beckham is not gay) which might have convinced him that he needed to try impaling the opposing players with his helmet. For his trouble, Beckham one of the most valuable fantasy assets you can have on a team was suspended for the next week, which happens to be the fantasy football championship round in leagues all over the country. Lucky for me, I dont have Beckham on my team, but if I did, my chances of winning my league title would be much worse. And I wouldnt even lose because of any actual error in judgment or absence of skill. That lack of control is maddening. Because Odell Beckham couldnt control himself, thousands of football nerds are about to suffer.

Whether some schlub wins his office fantasy league is certainly the least of Odell Beckhams worries, though. Its just that fantasy is, in many ways, our entry point into the lives of these mega-millionaire gods roaming the earth. In real life, Beckhams violent outbursts against the Panthers will only further cement the prevailing narrative that hes reckless, arrogant and uncontrollable, in addition to being unquestionably brilliant. Instead of revelling in his otherworldly ability to catch footballs, hes being reduced to nothing more than a mustache-twirling villain cannon fodder for dunderheaded shouting matches on ESPN and sweatily wrought editorials. The greatest fantasy of them all is that football is a game. Its not. Its a job for the players, coaches, and executives. For them, its real the consequences of their actions matter. Every hit could be the one to irrevocably scramble your brain. Every infraction is parsed over, analysed and critiqued. For those of us in the media, football and all professional sports are just more tawdry gristle for use to gnaw on.

9. The Democratic National Committee

DNC:

DNC: dicks national committee? Photograph: DNC

The DNCs handling of the Clinton/Sanders voter data breach scandal served to remind me that as incompetent and disorganized as the GOP has been in this election cycle up to this point, the Democrats are bound to even things out eventually. In a year when Republicans have been grabbing headline after headline with statements that would have Thomas Jefferson spinning in his grave fast enough to turn back time, somehow the Dems figured out how to drag the infamy back in their direction. The rather public shaming of the Bernie Sanders campaign also underscored the bias establishment Democrats have toward Hillary Clinton and against Sanderss insurgent candidacy. In order to defeat Donald Trump or whomever is able to wrest the nomination away from him in November, the Democratic party is going to need as few unforced errors like this as possible.

10. Los Angeles Lakers head coach Byron Scott

Byron

Byron Scott: intractable, surly, dunderheaded. Photograph: Harry How/Getty Images

The media is rough on sports figures, but fans are even worse. For me, its hard to be anything but a fan when the Los Angeles Lakers are involved: Im totally biased and completely irrational. This NBA season, theyre completely atrocious. A win against the Denver Nuggets on 22 December moved the to 5-23 on the season. I could blame Kobe Bryant, their ageing, self-centered superstar, but hes retiring at the end of this season and Id rather embrace the feel-good nature of that swan song. I could blame their young rookies who often times seem overmatched by basketball players many years their senior. That seems unfair, as they are still developing their games.

No, I blame their intractable, surly, dunderheaded coach a man who last season claimed the three-point shot doesnt win championships. At the end of that year, the Golden State Warriors won a championship led by Stephen Currys record-breaking number of three-pointers made. I wont further emphasize the darkly comic nature of that scenario. It speaks for itself. A once-proud franchise with 16 NBA championships to its name has been rendered a joke to most basketball fans. If you are planning on watching the Laker game tonight, I apologize in advance for what you are about to witness. Id continue whining about this, but Im starting to tear up and its getting in my keyboard.

11. The police on Netflixs Making a Murderer

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Making a Murderer: feel-good it aint. Photograph: Netflix

I made the mistake of bingeing the first two episodes of this true crime documentary series this week. Thats not to say this series isnt excellent. It is. Its akin to HBOs The Jinx, minus the unintentional comedy of sociopath Robert Durst, aka Gollum from Lord of the Rings if he spoke with a New York accent. Making a Murderer is somehow much darker than The Jinx, mostly because where The Jinx positions its director as a swashbuckling vigilante and ends with the promise of justice to be served, Making a Murderers ultimate thesis is that the criminal justice system is horribly flawed and were all quite rotten inside.

The series tells the harrowing, tragic story of Steven Avery a lower-class Wisconsin man whose wrongful sexual assault conviction is only the start of his decades of misery at the hands of a sheriffs department that is either woefully incompetent or gleefully corrupt. What Im trying to say to you is dont watch this during the holidays, lest you want to resign your position in the human race.

12. Justin Bieber

Justin

Justin Bieber: so adorable. Photograph: PR company handout

Its so adorable that everyone loves Justin Bieber again. After metaphorically running him over with the Shah of Irans Lamborghini in the press and pissing in his mop bucket, we collectively chose to embrace him again after he released a couple catchy songs. All is forgiven if you keep dropping that hot flame.

If thats all that it takes to get the public back on your side, might I suggest Martin Shkreli hook up with Skrillex and Diplo and lay down a track from prison? Maybe he can even get Gucci Mane to supply a guest rap.

And just so I dont leave you on a sour note, Id like to single out one pop culture figure who seemingly can do no wrong, who has put so many smiles on my face this season. Heres the greatest Christmas gift of all:

DJ Khaleds Snapchat

*Prayer Hands emoji*

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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